I have been doing some serious soul searching lately & asking myself a lot of questions, & patiently (maybe not so much), waiting for answers….or maybe they are right in front of me, & I just can’t or won’t see them.
I find myself asking a lot of why’s….
Why do I insist on making situations harder for myself?
Why do I have to be such a sensitive sap?
Why does my heart have to be the one broken all the time?
Why do I have to be an alcoholic?
Why can’t I run like I used too?
Why can’t losing weight being as simple as gaining it?
Why do I only get to be a parent 50% of the time?
Why can’t cancer just go away? (I’d find another nursing speciality).
Why can’t Adele write chippier (is that even a word??!) music? (I’m kinda obsessed with her latest album).
Why can’t I get my kids to brush their teeth on a regular basis?
OK, so a few of these are silly, but so am I at times.
You see, I have been in a funk with a capital F.
I’m so very good at putting on a happy face;(please refer to a few lines above), when in reality, I’m sad. Depressed. No. A Funk yes. The difference…..I know it’s not gonna last forever. I still want to be a productive worker bee in society. I still enjoy stuff & in fact,venturing into some new activies… Stay tuned☺.
I guess I’m having a hard time letting myself be sad. For some reason I feel like I have to be happy, go lucky, Katie ALL THE TIME. I have to be loving sobriety & basking in a recovery glow 24-7. (Crap that is a lot of pressure!). Truth is, I don’t want to be this all the time. Sober, ABSOLUTELY! There is no doubt in my mind of any other way for me to live. That being said, is it always easy? No. I guess I feel like I’m expected to happy, joyous, & free all the time. News flash…I don’t feel so happy, joyous, or free all the time. I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel exhausted, I feel frustrated. Recovery is hard, it’s a full time job. Its also the most rewarding ( tied with being a momma). As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I am only to blame for feeling like I have to be perfect & happy all the time. It’s my own expectations of how I think I should be & how I think situations & environments around me should be. Damn expectations get me all the time!!!
Light bulb moment!!!
Maybe I should step back & look at how far I have come over the last couple of years. Maybe I should dig a little deeper and say well why not me? Maybe I need to stop beating myself up over decisions & situations that I have absolutely no control over, & that the only thing I can control is how I react. Maybe I already know the answers to many of my whys. Maybe its OK to feel blah….but instead of dwelling in the muck I need to make a gratitude list and be grateful!
Maybe I should take a deep breath, be mindful, & trust in God that I’m OK enough & that I’m gonna be OK.
Oh and maybe I should switch from Adele to something with a little more pep.☺
It was only a dream… it was only a dream… Thank God it was only a dream…
The mantra I repeated this morning as I tried to slow down my breathing, as I was on a verge of a panic attack, and the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach vanished. I told myself, I was ok, it was only a drinking dream….. an absolute nightmare, but a dream nonetheless.
In this dream I was drinking secretly, or so I thought. There wasn’t any tragic event or celebration that spurred my drinking. I just did it because I could, because I thought I could handle it. In my dream I kept telling myself that no one had to know, that I could keep up the façade for a long as I wanted too, convinced that I could control my drinking at anytime. In my dream I continued to live a sober lifestyle, as if I wasn’t the biggest liar and hypocrite around. In my dream feelings of dread, despair, loneliness, and fear felt almost real, hence the physiological effects when I awoke. In my dream I thought I was hiding my secret from my family and friends, but I thought wrong. Even when confronted in my dream I continued to lie… and then I woke up…
So I asked myself, what the hell brought this on? I haven’t changed anything in my recovery. I know that I am not immune to the temptress that is my addiction. Is it my subconscious? Then it hit me, I have been doing lots of reflecting on my past, more specifically my journey in recovery. The how’s and the whys. I am preparing to give my first lead in a few days. Sorting through what to say and what not to say stirs up a lot of stuff. I am honored (& a tad nervous) to share my story with women who are where I was 15 months ago. I hope that some small piece of what I have to say, sticks with or touches just one of these women. I pray that I can share with them a sense of hope.
Drinking dreams are a nightmarish reality for me. A dream yes, but was once my reality. I must respect that, acknowledge it, and be ever grateful for another sober day😊
In the spirit of the “holiday” I thought I would reflect on love & recovery.
Its would be soooooo easy for me to sulk, mope around, have a pity party, be depressed, all because I am not currently in a romantic relationship. Trust me, I have been there for the “party of one”, but I have decided to look at this holiday from another viewpoint.
I am without a doubt a new & improved Katie. I am still learning more about who I am, and what those who love me have always seen and known, but I was to sick to notice. I am truly happy with the life I am leading now. I would not change one part of my past, not even the heart wrenching, painful parts. That crap has shaped me into the sober gal I am today:) If it had not been for a lot of garbage, I would not be writing this post, or even have a blog. If it wasn’t for hitting rock bottom I wouldn’t know the true meaning of serenity.
Recovery has taught and continues to teach me what real love is. Today real love is the sense of peace I feel about the plan my higher power (God) has for me. This doesn’t mean I’m just sitting back and waiting. Instead, I do the work, but ultimately know that God has my back, he is driving the bus not I.;) Real love is knowing that my kids have a mommy who is present for them and loves them more than words. Real love is being able to look my family, friends, & sober sisters’ in the eye, knowing that I have nothing to hide, that I am 100% honest. Real love is looking at myself in the mirror & realizing that the gal looking back isn’t half bad.
So on this Valentine’s day, whether or not you have an official valentine, remember to love yourself first and for most, because how can you possibly love someone else if you don’t love yourself ?
Chances are you aren’t to shabby either!!:)
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