Wow! A lot of what is stated in this quote has happened, is happening! This year I’ve embarked on new adventures. Fitness & health being the biggest & quite honestly the scariest. I don’t know why either. I have no problem being honest about my sobriety & recovery, but when it comes to weight loss & exercise I clam up?! I’m still working on the why’s of that one!?? I started the year off with my heart broken (or so I thought). In retrospect, it was my expectations that caused the heartache. I have learned to go with flow & let affairs of the heart happen naturally, & guess what?! I am capable of doing that & I am quite content☺. M&M & I moved recently. It wasn’t a big move in terms of distance, but one that mentally & emotionally means a lot. We moved away & said goodbye to a place where a lot of shit went down. Fortunately little M is to young to recall, but his sister certainly does. It was definitely time to close the door on that chapter (not forget), of our lives. To be honest, a huge sigh of relief. The three of us are in a brand new place where we can make our own memories. That makes me happy☺.
Then I think about me. I like to say I’ve come a long way since starting this blog nearly 2 years ago!! WOW!!. I’ve been re-reading my first posts. It was definitely progress, not perfection☺. I was so freshly sober, so happy riding the infamous pink cloud, so spouting off anything and everything AA. And you know what?, that was OK. I was at a point where I was still struggling with the day to day recovery stuff. I wasn’t yet completely comfortable with my new normal. I still didn’t know what this ‘new’ Katie was all about. I still had a lot of resentments to let go off.
All that being said, I’m still not where I want to be today. I am striving each and everyday to be better. Not perfect, not searching for more of anything, just better than I was the day before. Just plain grateful, its that simple.
I think the biggest thing I have learned since starting this blog, is how important it is to be mindful. Everyday, & yes everyday I take 5 minutes to just be…. I clear my head, I pray, I say thank you, I think, I reflect, I journal, I breathe…anything where I focus on the inner me. Without these 5 minutes, the negative, nasty, scared Katie may rear her ugly head…& nobody, especially me wants that!
So I decided to attach my very 1st blog post. Once again its a great reminder of how far I have come, and how there is absolutely nothing I want more in this world than continue on this road of life; sober, healthy, happy road, & whatever surprises that are in store for me.
No this isn’t about the now infamous Disney song, I promise not to break out the lyrics. How often do we say to family, friends, or significant others “Just let it go”. How many times is it spoken to us or more importantly do we say it to ourselves? The words just roll off the tongue like they are no big deal, a shrug of the shoulders, say it, do it, wipe the slate clean, and move on. If it was only that simple. If it was, broken hearts, broken relationships, missed opportunities, feelings of hurt, guilt, and shame, and the should of’s, could of’s, would of, would not monopolize so much of our time, our minds, and our hearts.
Speaking from personal experience, letting go has been both a positive and negative experience. Over the last 10 months I have learned to let go of a lot of garbage, toxic stuff I was carrying around. That’s the thing about getting sober, it forces you to examine just about every aspect of one’s life. The good the bad the ugly. I spent so many years feeling inadequate, unhappy, and generally sad. I carried so many feelings of shame over my behavior, especially when I would drink. Learning why I felt this way, why I drank, and letting it go has been freeing, life changing. That’s not to say that I don’t struggle with feelings of inadequacy or sadness, the difference is that I know how to deal with those feelings, and I do it without picking up a drink or other unhealthy behaviors.
But not all situations and circumstances are easy to let go of, broken relationships, wondering what if I had only done this, or what if I try this, creep into my head. My mind is taken over by self-righteous thoughts of, well why the hell not me! I pray and try bargaining with my higher power (I call God), please give me another chance.
The funny thing is, that I know that God has a plan in place, he has since day one, I need to let go of control. 10 months ago I started this journey, it most definitely has not been easy, everyday I must make a conscious effort to let it go, the past that is, life is so much simpler and I am so much better off living in the now. Does that mean I completely forget the past? No, of course not, I have respect for it, but I need to move forward and not dwell on the should of, could of, would of. Everyday I need to remind myself to let it go, whatever it may be. I know I will be ok