Thanksgiving and the holidays are quickly approaching and its at this point in time that I start thinking about my sobriety anniversary as well.  I like to reflect on my journey….keeps me humble.

I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I was meant to experience all that I have over the last few years.  The heartache, the jealousy, the shame (lots of it), the loss, the anger (lots of that), and the fear….all of it….and I wouldn’t change a damn thing…not one single thing…

Its hard to put into words why and how I exactly feel this way…I just do…. My recovery has been life changing, life altering really.  I didn’t just stop drinking,  I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I stopped the self loathing, I stopped being afraid of what everyone else thought, I stopped disrespecting myself and everyone who cared about me when I didn’t.  If I’m being honest,  the not drinking was the easy part.  All the other stuff, not so much. It requires attention and work each and every day.  Everyday I make a conscious decision to be grateful, to be kind, to be present, to be mindful.  I don’t always succeed at everything everyday,  I’m not perfect;), but I try.

When I first got sober, not drinking was the most important and biggest challenge.  Today, I am grateful I don’t have the urges or cravings to pick up a drink, but I am aware that those feeling could creep back at any moment.  Today my biggest challenge is being the best I can be.  That means, being grateful for something even if its the crappiest day ever.  It means being kind to those who don’t exhibit kindness back, or whom I may not agree with….for I do not know what battles they are up against.  It means being a positive, loving example to my kids, my friends, my family, and my co workers; at a time when society is not so positive and loving.  It means being honest with myself, and those I care about.  

And if I’m being honest, its not always easy living life this way.   

Some days are just plain shitty.  Some days I want to throw the covers over my head and not speak to anyone.  Sometimes I just want to throw a temper tantrum like my son…..I don’t….but I want too…. On days like these, I step back and think how far I have come….it wasn’t that long ago I was drinking every day to numb everything…  That my daughter was going to bed by herself because her mom was passed out… That I was unloveable and alone because I couldn’t love myself…and my kids would be better off if I was dead…. Lowest of the low….despair….

Fast forward to today…..

My kids are my world….and they teach me about true unconditional love everyday.  I have a new renewed passion for eating well and exercising.  My job is taking me to new heights and I am so grateful to be in a career that I truly love. I’m in a healthy relationship that is loving and honest.   Fear doesn’t control me, its just a feeling that I acknowledge & move past.   I live in the present. I love me.

So yes, I am grateful for going through hell.  And yes I was born for this wild wacky journey….I wouldnt want it any other way.

:)✌❤ 

Feeling Feelings….F@&#!!

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What a week!!!!

Happy, sad, confused, sick, frustrated, hurt, sick, worried, angry, sick, concerned, heartbroken, sick, embarrassed, jealous, sick, content…..

OK so obviously I’m sick, I don’t ‘do’sick well, & now I’m stuck on the couch really sick😟.  But in between denial of being sick, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, & honestly, I don’t think in the last 2 years (since getting sober) have I actually felt so much raw emotion, like REALLY felt it.

I had to let go of someone I wasn’t ready to let go of,  but I know it was the right thing to do.  Wish like hell circumstances were different, but they  are not, & I can’t wave a magic wand & change them (there was a time when I thought I could!) .  It hurts, I’m sad, but I know I will be OK…(see progress not perfection)….

Divorce sucks!!! M&M are having a rough time right now. Maybe its post holiday ‘blah’s’, changes in schedules, colds, the moon…all of the above?  But they are sad which results in a sad, worried, angry, frustrated momma. Of course, all directed at one particular person, whom will remain nameless, but we all know whom I’m talking about.  Thinking in this way is not fair, its not all his fault.  Its the nature of divorce.  No matter how hard we try, & no matter how amicable we are; bottom line , our divorce affects M&M each & every day. Its hard work each & every day to make ‘divorce work’….hmmm. Some days are better than others.

Burnout.  I love my job (I think I’ve made that abundantly clear), but even the best of the best can’t prevent the wave of uneasiness I felt this week.  From feeling exhausted, inadequate, & questioning my critical thinking skills, my emotions were all over place. Ironically my workplace is typically the one place I feel 100% content, comfortable, & confident.  Hot mess is a good way to describe me at work this week. Self doubt filled me.  Not a good way to feel.

But I did feel it, I’ve been feeling  all these emotions ALL week.  I have been ALLOWING myself to feel the good the bad & the ugly.  It’s been very cathartic.  Honestly!! I haven’t felt such a wave of emotions in so long.  Drinking numbed everything….and when I wasn’t drinking or drunk, I felt like shit regardless of what was going on in my life.  What a horribly sad way to be.  Even as I write this, I’m cringing recalling what my alcoholism did to emotional health.

Even though this week has not been easy,  I can honestly say that at this moment I am content & feeling OK☺.

Everything is going as it should be…A small piece of my heart will always be with someone whom I have many memories,& I’m OK.  My kids are awesome, & will be better than OK. And because of my awesome team, work will get better.

Once again, I realize that I have so much to be grateful for & that my God has a wicked sense of humor & I’m OK with that, all of that.☺

What a ride this life is…

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✌🏿&❤