Just a Glimmer


Easier said than done, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s much easier to have that hope, even if it’s just a glimmer than to give up, be angry all the time, or let my expectations take over.  Because you know what?…. I have no control over the events that occur around me and to me.  I hate the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’.  In times of great grief and despair that isn’t what I want to hear.  Instead I prefer in God’s time, (higher power, goddess, whatever  you prefer), ‘he’ knows EXACTLY what he is doing and it will eventually all make sense.  It sure as hell doesn’t right now, but in time it will. That’s when faith and grace come into play.

As of late, I have had thoughts of wtf God, and wondered if my guardian angel has been on an extended vacation.  Feelings of loss, grief, anger, and sadness have incapacitated my family, a number of friends, and myself over the last few weeks. It hasn’t been easy to hold on to that  sliver of hope let alone faith.


But you know what?..  It is possible.  I know I may sound like an annoying cheerleader, floating around on my pink cloud of cheeriness.  But my recovery has taught me that yes, indeed, there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope, my faith tells me that, and I am full of gratitude for what I have and where I came from.  Because it wasn’t all that long ago that I had given up all hope of ever being happy or healthy, or worthy of love. I lived in constant despair. Faith…. What the hell was that?  In my eyes, God had abandoned me, everyone had abandoned me, and no one could possibly understand where I was coming from or what I was feeling.  Talk about rock bottom.

But because of that rock bottom, I am full of gratitude today.  Life is definitely not full of sunshine and rainbows.  It can be a struggle.  It can be, and is full of love and loss.  It leave a lot of unanswered questions.  But no matter how difficult my life becomes, I know in my heart that God has my back, and I have faith that it will all be ok. It may not be easy, but it will be ok.  I will be ok. My loved ones will be ok. And for that I am entirely grateful.




Turning Sorrow into Joy


It’s extremely difficult to imagine how to feel any joy when you are in the midst of deep sorrow and pain.  Those reading this post may think I’m insane to even think it’s possible, and that’s ok, I get that.  I am speaking about myself and my experiences and what I have witnessed, including the last month.  Losing a child is unfathomable to me, I am entirely  grateful each and every day for m&m.  I reflect on how selfish I was when I was in the throes of my drinking, I took them for granted.  It is very difficult for me to think about that period in my life…. especially when I have witnessed the pain and anguish my friends are experiencing for the loss of their child.  Why them?  Why their baby?  As these parents grieve and try to understand why this tragedy occurred,  my  sister and brother In law baptized their beautiful baby boy whom they welcomed into their family in July.  They traveled  half way around the world to adopt their son.  Years of grief and yearning for a child of their own is now a time of joy and celebration.

The heartache they endured may help their friends as they grieve for the child they lost.  And just maybe, a glimmer of hope and happiness will rise again.

Grief and sorrow knows no time, but it does ease up.  It teaches us something about ourselves.  It may not make any sense at first, or maybe never, in some instances,  but joy will return to your life, PROMISE.


The sorrow I have experienced and the grieving I have fought my way through, has eventually led to many joyous occasions, both big and small.  I believe the sadness I have experienced in my life, thus far, tells a story, and if it wasn’t for those experiences, I would not be who I am today, and I like who I am today😊.

So, for anyone experiencing sorrow and feels like the sadness and grief wont ever let up, don’t give up, don’t give in.  Have hope that one day that sorrow will turn into joy.



This last week has been difficult.  I’m experiencing sadness that has quite honestly, caught me off guard.  A life cut way too short, by cancer.  A family grieving for their mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend to many. (will refer to her as M)

As an oncology nurse, death unfortunately, can be a common occurrence.  It is never easy to lose a patient, no matter how long they are under my care, but with M it has been extremely difficult.  Why?  She wasn’t a patient of mine, but had come to me with questions about all that was going on with her.  We had known each other since childhood.  Although not close presently, there was a mutual respect and admiration for each other.

When I received the news of her passing, I felt like I was punched in the gut.  Honestly, I was in shock. I was overcome with grief.  I was sad, crying, mad, asking why, and praying. What I was not doing, was reaching for a drink. I didn’t temporarily numb my feelings, thinking it would make them disappear.  I didn’t crave or have any urge to go buy a couple bottles of wine, while trying to convince mysef that it would only be this one time.(yeah, right)


Instead I called my sponsor, I read the big book, I went to the wake and funeral and let myself FEEL my FEELINGS.

It isn’t easy to feel these overwhelming feelings, but it definitely beats the alternative…

Losing someone sucks, their is no other way to say it, it just plain sucks!  How you cope and grieve is an individual ‘thing’.  I am not here to judge.  For me, as a grateful alcoholic, I know that not feeling my feelings will lead to fear and resentments which will lead to triggers, which eventually could lead to relapse.  And that scares the shit out of me.

Once again my handy dandy recovery tool belt saves the day!

I also rely on hope and faith.  The hope that my sadness will lessen over time, and that my faith in God and in myself will enable me to continue to do the next right thing.  I also have tremendous hope and faith that M’s family will eventually find peace and that their grief turns to hope.

Rest in Peace M.