Pinky Swear with a Whole lot of Gratitude

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My heart is overfilled with love & grace for the 2 most important individuals in my life, M&M.  They are my everything, my world.  I am blessed that they call me mommy.  I have been reflecting on that tonight, mothers day eve.

It was just a few years ago that I nearly lost my kids to my addiction.  It tears me up to recall my behavior towards them.  2 innocent children who could not rely on their own mother to care for them.  I  am not going to dwell on this, instead the fact that they never gave up on me.  They forgave me, they too, show unconditional love towards me.  No drama, unselfish, honest, love.  I do the same in return.  The best gift I can give this mothers day is my presence in their life each & every day, with the promise to myself, as well as to them, to stay present in my recovery.

I have attached a post from November 2014. It’s pretty raw, & speaks to how addiction effects everyone in the family, especially children. 

I am blessed & grateful for all that has happened in my life, that has brought me to this day…Happy Mothers Day❤❤

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Pinky Swear

I am blessed with 2 awesome kids, a boy who is 2 and a girl who is 8.  I often refer to them as M&M (as I will when I write).  They truly are the loves of my life! They are hilarious, kind, loving, smart, inquisitive, and creative (of course I’m not biased;)).

Fortunately their dad and I want what is best for them and we both love them unconditionally, even if the two of us are not married anymore.  I am truly grateful and humbled that they call me mommy.

My drinking “took off” after M was born in 2006.  I recently came across journal entries where I wrote that I was concerned with my drinking and that I was going to change my ways for the sake of my family.  Wow!  Well, that never happened and the drinking escalated. Every family event, holiday, and impromptu gathering required alcohol, wine to be specific.  I recall several of my daughter’s birthday parties being wasted, and sadly and selfishly I don’t recall much else.  In the evenings, when I should have been playing with my daughter I was drinking.  When she asked me to read a story I told her to wait, because I was “busy”.  I missed many nights tucking her in….

When M was 6, her brother was born.  Her little brother idolizes his big sister, who acted as a little momma while their real mommy was drinking.  Late afternoon it was time to uncork the bottle, a few hours and a couple of bottles later, M was a better mommy.  In the spring of 2013 I entered rehab voluntarily.  I “left” my kids, the loves of my life for 18 days… they didn’t understand why their mommy left …. nor was it fair that they even had too.  It was the hardest 18 days, being away from them.  Upon my return, I was told that M compared me to MissHannigan, Carol Burnett’s character in Annie….. whoa !!

Here I thought M didn’t know about my drinking, I didn’t think it was affecting her…… seriously??!

When I relapsed in January, M&M witnessed my behavior.  I believe in my heart of hearts that God wanted me to witness what my actions had done to them, because I should of been in a blackout, but the sheer look of terror on M&M’s face is ingrained in my brain.

It took a few days for M to talk to and feel comfortable around me, and rightfully so.  When she was ready, we talked (at a 7 yr old level) and I apologized.  She had me pinky swear that I would never drink again.  That was 10 months ago…..I pray every day that I keep that promise and I am grateful each night that I kept the promise, to her and myself.

M didn’t deserve to be forced into adult situations, she doesn’t deserved to have a mom who is an alcoholic.  Neither does little M, but by the grace of God, he wont remember his mommy as a drunk, but his sister will.  Fortunately, I have been, and will continue to be open and honest with both kiddos.  I won’t keep this a hush-hush topic.  I welcome the honest conversations as they come, age appropriate of course.

Today, I live in the present and am present for M&M.  I think this is the best way to keep the pinky swear I made  over 10 months ago.  I continue to work on forgiving myself for being absent in M&M’s lives.  I know I must keep the past in the past, but those feelings of guilt and shame creep up time to time.  Fortunately I have the tools and support to process those feelings.  More importantly, I  have the unconditional love of  M&M. I am one lucky mommy!

Tagged alcoholicalcoholismbehaviorsdrunk,gratefulgratitudehonesthumblelovemommy,recoveryrelationships

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Just a Glimmer

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Easier said than done, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s much easier to have that hope, even if it’s just a glimmer than to give up, be angry all the time, or let my expectations take over.  Because you know what?…. I have no control over the events that occur around me and to me.  I hate the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’.  In times of great grief and despair that isn’t what I want to hear.  Instead I prefer in God’s time, (higher power, goddess, whatever  you prefer), ‘he’ knows EXACTLY what he is doing and it will eventually all make sense.  It sure as hell doesn’t right now, but in time it will. That’s when faith and grace come into play.

As of late, I have had thoughts of wtf God, and wondered if my guardian angel has been on an extended vacation.  Feelings of loss, grief, anger, and sadness have incapacitated my family, a number of friends, and myself over the last few weeks. It hasn’t been easy to hold on to that  sliver of hope let alone faith.

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But you know what?..  It is possible.  I know I may sound like an annoying cheerleader, floating around on my pink cloud of cheeriness.  But my recovery has taught me that yes, indeed, there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope, my faith tells me that, and I am full of gratitude for what I have and where I came from.  Because it wasn’t all that long ago that I had given up all hope of ever being happy or healthy, or worthy of love. I lived in constant despair. Faith…. What the hell was that?  In my eyes, God had abandoned me, everyone had abandoned me, and no one could possibly understand where I was coming from or what I was feeling.  Talk about rock bottom.

But because of that rock bottom, I am full of gratitude today.  Life is definitely not full of sunshine and rainbows.  It can be a struggle.  It can be, and is full of love and loss.  It leave a lot of unanswered questions.  But no matter how difficult my life becomes, I know in my heart that God has my back, and I have faith that it will all be ok. It may not be easy, but it will be ok.  I will be ok. My loved ones will be ok. And for that I am entirely grateful.

☺❤✌🏿

 

A Crossroad to Grace

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I feel like I am at a crossroad of sorts… unsure of what direction to choose.  I am approaching 18 months of sobriety, a big deal?… maybe a little, maybe not.  I am not expecting pats on the back or accolades of any sort.  Sobriety is my way of life now.  Recovery is my life, and a great life at that.  I have absolutely no desire, nor do I miss the misery and lifestyle I embraced when I was drinking.  I do ‘play the tape’ back of my last drink, as well as other painful experiences while intoxicated, and it gives me anxiety, a physiological response, almost like a fight or flight response.  I do not regret my past, I own it, and respect it, but I hope to never return to that dark, dismal, lonely place.  A place where I was completely broken and hopeless.

I am grateful that today I am comfortable and accepting of being alone.  This is different from being lonely, I am far from being lonely.  I am comfortable with myself, I am who I am, I can be alone and be ok with that.  There was a time not too long ago when I would not of been able to say that.  Huh, perhaps I’m experiencing some growth?.

So with this new found growth, I have been experiencing some unrest or uneasiness. ….Ok, I am just going to call myself out; I’m just not into my meetings these days…. there I said it!  Before the backlash starts and the well meaning slogans such as you know ‘meeting makers make it’, let me explain.  I love AA.  The program, the steps, the women I call sisters, have all impacted my life, and in many ways saved my life.  I have learned a whole new way to live.

I am not becoming anti- AA, nor am I suggesting that I am above meetings or the program.  I am also not suggesting that I am cocky or over confident with my sobriety & recovery.  I just feel restless, like I need to change the course up a bit.

New meetings, try to step out of my comfort zone? Volunteer, give back, lead, teach, write?  Try new activities?  I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas.  I do know that my meetings are not full-filling me right now and that something is missing.  Yes, I have been praying, and thinking about this a lot, hoping to find some answers.

I realize some may disagree with my ideas, and that’s ok,   I’m not look looking for approval, I’m looking for suggestions.  I’m looking for ways to enhance my recovery program.  I will always be a part of AA and I will always rely on meetings and the program as my core and foundation to my recovery.  I would like to expand my horizons.  I am very aware that my nasty addiction is always lingering, waiting to pounce ..  I am not naïve to this.  I have a kick ass recovery toolbox, I would like to add a few new tools.

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