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Oh yes, those pesky expectations causing havoc in my head.  It is MY expectations that cause the unrest.  This unrest causes me to become my own worst enemy. Self doubt & negativity take over.  The ‘I can’t, I wont, & I shouldn’t’ take center stage.

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When this happens I run the risk of feeling resentful,  & that my friends is a slippery slope for an alcoholic like me.

So, as of late when I become disappointed in myself because I didn’t accomplish a goal as I expected myself to.  Or an individual in my life doesn’t respond or behave in a way that I think they should, my first thought (& second) is always to beat myself up mentally & emotionally. 

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Why? All this does is set me up for resentments & self doubt.  My expectations are just that, MINE.  I want what I want when I want it no matter what.  I also expect others to think the same.  So when reality sets in, & things  dont go exactly as I expected,  the anger, sadness, & pity party begins.  So in essence this is a whole bunch of self centered behavior.  I’m not saying not to have goals, aspirations, & self confidence.  God knows I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t believe in my self, if I didn’t have hope.

Hope that is what its all about.  Hope that the hard work & dedication will pay off.  The hope that they will like me as I am, & if not oh well.  The hope that I can live the best life I was meant to live. The hope that I will continue to believe in myself & in others. 

Funny….as I write, my perspective changes….. I started this post with a different mindset.   But you know what, its exactly what I needed at this exact time.  Just goes to show that there is something, or someone bigger than me who knows exactly what I need.
❤✌

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But Why

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I have been doing some serious soul searching lately & asking myself a lot of questions, & patiently (maybe not so much), waiting for answers….or maybe they are right in front of me, & I just can’t or won’t see them.

I find myself asking a lot of why’s….
Why do I insist on making situations harder for myself?
Why do I have to be such a sensitive sap?
Why does my heart have to be the one broken all the time?
Why do I have to be an alcoholic?
Why can’t I run like I used too?
Why can’t losing weight being as simple as gaining it?
Why do I only get to be a parent 50% of the time?
Why can’t cancer just go away? (I’d find another nursing speciality).
Why can’t Adele write chippier (is that even a word??!) music? (I’m kinda obsessed with her latest album).
Why can’t I get my kids to brush their teeth on a regular basis?

OK, so a few of these are silly, but so am I at times.

You see, I have been in a funk with a capital F.
I’m so very good at putting on a happy face;(please refer to a few lines above), when in reality, I’m sad.  Depressed. No. A Funk yes.  The difference…..I know it’s not gonna last forever. I still want to be a productive worker bee in society. I still enjoy stuff & in fact,venturing into some new activies…  Stay tuned☺.

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I guess I’m having a hard time letting myself be sad.  For some reason I feel like I have to be happy, go lucky, Katie ALL THE TIME.  I have to be loving sobriety & basking in a recovery glow 24-7. (Crap that is a lot of pressure!).  Truth is, I don’t want to be this all the time. Sober, ABSOLUTELY! There is no doubt in my mind of any other way for me to live.  That being said, is it always easy?  No.   I guess I feel like I’m expected to happy, joyous, & free all the time.  News flash…I don’t feel so happy, joyous, or free all the time.  I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel exhausted, I feel frustrated. Recovery is hard, it’s a full time job.  Its also the most rewarding ( tied with being a momma).  As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I am only to blame for feeling like I have to be perfect & happy all the time.  It’s my own expectations of how I think I should be & how I think situations & environments around me should be. Damn expectations get me all the time!!!

Light bulb moment!!!
Maybe I should step back & look at how far I have come over the last couple of years.  Maybe I should dig a little deeper and say well why not me?  Maybe I need to stop beating myself up over decisions & situations that I have absolutely no control over, & that the only thing I can control is how I react.  Maybe I already know the answers to many of my whys.  Maybe its OK to feel blah….but instead of dwelling in the muck I need to make a gratitude list and be grateful!
Maybe I should take a deep breath, be mindful, & trust in God that I’m OK enough & that I’m gonna be OK.

Oh and maybe I should switch from Adele to something with a little more pep.☺

✌&❤

 

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The Not so Great Expectations

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I will preface this post with I am far from perfect & I don’t pretend to be, so with that being said;  I feel like my expectations have been heightened since I got sober. Maybe it’s because I’m thinking clearly and have cleaned up so much garbage from my past.  Maybe it’s because I believe the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous can be the foundation for heathy living for everyone, not just alcoholics.  Or maybe it’s because I expect others to change because I have. (See I even use the word on a regular basis!). I say all this even though deep down I know that I can only concern myself with me, and no one else.  But that is not always easy.  I find myself disappointed in others and myself when a situation or event or even the mundane day-to-day stuff doesn’t go as I had planned.  I try to hide my disappointment on the outside, but inside I’m hurt, sad, frustrated, irritated(just to name a few).  And mostly at myself. I feel the resentment build within me, almost as if I can’t catch my breath.  When I let it get to this point, I must take a step back & look at the facts.  The majority of the time these resentments are a direct result of the expectations I have placed on others &/or myself.  I really wish there was an easy way to stop this cycle!  I have been thinking and praying about this issue a lot lately, I don’t like feeling resentful, it does me no good.  Resentments can lead me down a dangerous path, a path my addiction would love to see me on.  When I was drinking I resented just about everyone and everything, in fact I resented the fact that my resentments made me drink(if that makes sense), which is typical alcoholic thinking.
I guess when it comes down to it, I just need to focus on the task or day at hand.  I can be hopeful. I can (& should)  act and not expect.  Most importantly I can turn it all over to the big guy upstairs, ‘he’ knows what ‘he’ is doing and what is best for me….’He’ has not let me down.  I sometimes forget that….

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