What a week!!!!
Happy, sad, confused, sick, frustrated, hurt, sick, worried, angry, sick, concerned, heartbroken, sick, embarrassed, jealous, sick, content…..
OK so obviously I’m sick, I don’t ‘do’sick well, & now I’m stuck on the couch really sick😟. But in between denial of being sick, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, & honestly, I don’t think in the last 2 years (since getting sober) have I actually felt so much raw emotion, like REALLY felt it.
I had to let go of someone I wasn’t ready to let go of, but I know it was the right thing to do. Wish like hell circumstances were different, but they are not, & I can’t wave a magic wand & change them (there was a time when I thought I could!) . It hurts, I’m sad, but I know I will be OK…(see progress not perfection)….
Divorce sucks!!! M&M are having a rough time right now. Maybe its post holiday ‘blah’s’, changes in schedules, colds, the moon…all of the above? But they are sad which results in a sad, worried, angry, frustrated momma. Of course, all directed at one particular person, whom will remain nameless, but we all know whom I’m talking about. Thinking in this way is not fair, its not all his fault. Its the nature of divorce. No matter how hard we try, & no matter how amicable we are; bottom line , our divorce affects M&M each & every day. Its hard work each & every day to make ‘divorce work’….hmmm. Some days are better than others.
Burnout. I love my job (I think I’ve made that abundantly clear), but even the best of the best can’t prevent the wave of uneasiness I felt this week. From feeling exhausted, inadequate, & questioning my critical thinking skills, my emotions were all over place. Ironically my workplace is typically the one place I feel 100% content, comfortable, & confident. Hot mess is a good way to describe me at work this week. Self doubt filled me. Not a good way to feel.
But I did feel it, I’ve been feeling all these emotions ALL week. I have been ALLOWING myself to feel the good the bad & the ugly. It’s been very cathartic. Honestly!! I haven’t felt such a wave of emotions in so long. Drinking numbed everything….and when I wasn’t drinking or drunk, I felt like shit regardless of what was going on in my life. What a horribly sad way to be. Even as I write this, I’m cringing recalling what my alcoholism did to emotional health.
Even though this week has not been easy, I can honestly say that at this moment I am content & feeling OK☺.
Everything is going as it should be…A small piece of my heart will always be with someone whom I have many memories,& I’m OK. My kids are awesome, & will be better than OK. And because of my awesome team, work will get better.
Once again, I realize that I have so much to be grateful for & that my God has a wicked sense of humor & I’m OK with that, all of that.☺
What a ride this life is…