Just a Glimmer

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Easier said than done, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s much easier to have that hope, even if it’s just a glimmer than to give up, be angry all the time, or let my expectations take over.  Because you know what?…. I have no control over the events that occur around me and to me.  I hate the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’.  In times of great grief and despair that isn’t what I want to hear.  Instead I prefer in God’s time, (higher power, goddess, whatever  you prefer), ‘he’ knows EXACTLY what he is doing and it will eventually all make sense.  It sure as hell doesn’t right now, but in time it will. That’s when faith and grace come into play.

As of late, I have had thoughts of wtf God, and wondered if my guardian angel has been on an extended vacation.  Feelings of loss, grief, anger, and sadness have incapacitated my family, a number of friends, and myself over the last few weeks. It hasn’t been easy to hold on to that  sliver of hope let alone faith.

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But you know what?..  It is possible.  I know I may sound like an annoying cheerleader, floating around on my pink cloud of cheeriness.  But my recovery has taught me that yes, indeed, there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope, my faith tells me that, and I am full of gratitude for what I have and where I came from.  Because it wasn’t all that long ago that I had given up all hope of ever being happy or healthy, or worthy of love. I lived in constant despair. Faith…. What the hell was that?  In my eyes, God had abandoned me, everyone had abandoned me, and no one could possibly understand where I was coming from or what I was feeling.  Talk about rock bottom.

But because of that rock bottom, I am full of gratitude today.  Life is definitely not full of sunshine and rainbows.  It can be a struggle.  It can be, and is full of love and loss.  It leave a lot of unanswered questions.  But no matter how difficult my life becomes, I know in my heart that God has my back, and I have faith that it will all be ok. It may not be easy, but it will be ok.  I will be ok. My loved ones will be ok. And for that I am entirely grateful.

☺❤✌🏿

 

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The Hard Truth

I must preface this post by saying that I don’t mean to be a pessimist, or Scrooge, I just feel that being in the ‘throws’ of the holidays its important to remember (for myself, I can’t speak for all my sober friends;), that my addiction is ALWAYS lurking.  It is always waiting for a weak moment.  It is always ready to pounce if I become to complacent.

I came across the following ‘letter’, that was given to me during my outpatient therapy almost a year ago.  It is a difficult piece to read, and unfortunately I can relate to much of it.  Perhaps that is why an uneasiness settles in the pit of my stomach every time I read it.  I’ve been ‘there’ and not that long ago.

The author is unknown,  their words humble me with each reading…

Dear Friend, I’ve come to visit once again.  I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I want to make you restless, so you can never relax.  I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious.  I want to make you agitated and irritable, so everything and everyone makes you uncomfortable.  I want you confused and depressed so that you can’t think clearly and positively.  I want you to hate everything and everybody-especially yourself.  I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for all the things you have done in the past.  I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are.  I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but me for your present condition.  I want you to be deceitful, untrustworthy, and to manipulate as many people as possible.  I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all.  I want to be in your dreams.  I want you to wake up all hours thinking of me.  I want your home life to be miserable.  I want you to constantly be in financial difficulty.  I want to take away your ambition and desire to succeed.  Should you win, I want you to come back soon, thinking you will win more, so I can take your last dollar and start the downward spiral again.  I  want you to borrow and steal from family, friends, and financial institutions so I can destroy those relationships.  I want you to sell the things that are dearest to you, for me.  I want you to ignore your family for me.  I want you to commit or consider commiting illegal acts for me.  I deeply appreciate how much you have sacrificed  for me.  The countless jobs and fine friends you deeply cared for-you gave up for me.  And what’s more,  the ones you’ve turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I’m even more grateful.  And especially -your loved ones- your family, the most important people in the world to you -you even threw them away for ME.  I can not express in words the gratitude  I have for the loyalty you have for me.  You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me.  But do not despair, my friend, for on me you can always depend.  For after you lost all the things you once held dear, you can depend on me to take even more.  YOU can depend on me to keep your mind, body, and soul in a living hell- for I will not be satisfied until you are dead.

Forever yours, Your addiction

Powerful stuff… Thank you to whomever wrote this difficult, but brutally honest piece.  I am grateful to have read this, shared this, and yes, even lived this.  I do not want to ever forget where I came from, respect the past, but gratitude and humility fills my heart to know that I don’t have to go back.  I have the power to make that choice.