Feeling Feelings….F@&#!!

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What a week!!!!

Happy, sad, confused, sick, frustrated, hurt, sick, worried, angry, sick, concerned, heartbroken, sick, embarrassed, jealous, sick, content…..

OK so obviously I’m sick, I don’t ‘do’sick well, & now I’m stuck on the couch really sickūüėü. ¬†But in between denial of being sick, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, & honestly, I don’t think in the last 2 years (since getting sober) have I actually felt so much raw emotion, like REALLY felt it.

I had to let go of someone I wasn’t ready to let go of, ¬†but I know it was the right thing to do. ¬†Wish like hell circumstances were different, but they ¬†are not, & I can’t wave a magic wand & change them (there was a time when I thought I could!) . ¬†It hurts, I’m sad, but I know I will be OK…(see progress not perfection)….

Divorce sucks!!! M&M are having a rough time right now. Maybe its post holiday ‘blah’s’, changes in schedules, colds, the moon…all of the above? ¬†But they are sad which results in a sad, worried, angry, frustrated momma. Of course, all directed at one particular person, whom will remain nameless, but we all know whom I’m talking about. ¬†Thinking in this way is not fair, its not all his fault. ¬†Its the nature of divorce. ¬†No matter how hard we try, & no matter how amicable we are; bottom line , our divorce affects M&M each & every day. Its hard work each & every day to make ‘divorce work’….hmmm. Some days are better than others.

Burnout. ¬†I love my job (I think I’ve made that abundantly clear), but even the best of the best can’t prevent the wave of uneasiness I felt this week. ¬†From feeling exhausted, inadequate, & questioning my critical thinking skills, my emotions were all over place. Ironically my workplace is typically the one place I feel 100% content, comfortable, & confident. ¬†Hot mess is a good way to describe me at work this week. Self doubt filled me. ¬†Not a good way to feel.

But I did feel it, I’ve been feeling ¬†all these emotions ALL week. ¬†I have been ALLOWING myself to feel the good the bad & the ugly. ¬†It’s been very cathartic. ¬†Honestly!! I haven’t felt such a wave of emotions in so long. ¬†Drinking numbed everything….and when I wasn’t drinking or drunk, I felt like shit regardless of what was going on in my life. ¬†What a horribly sad way to be. ¬†Even as I write this, I’m cringing recalling what my alcoholism did to emotional health.

Even though this week has not been easy, ¬†I can honestly say that at this moment I am content & feeling OK‚ėļ.

Everything is going as it should be…A small piece of my heart will always be with someone whom I have many memories,& I’m OK.¬†¬†My kids are awesome, & will be better than OK. And because of my awesome team, work will get better.

Once again, I realize that I have so much to be grateful for & that my God has a wicked sense of humor & I’m OK with that, all of that.‚ėļ

What a ride this life is…

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‚úĆūüŹŅ&‚̧

 

 

It’s High Time for Some Gratitude

quotes-lifeclass-gratitude-melody-beattie-600x411It is most definitely time for a gratitude list! ¬†Actually its long over due, I have been in a funk. ¬†The work weeks have been long and stressful. ¬†The thought that summer is nearly over really sucks. ¬†My three-year old is starting preschool in one week and selfishly I want him to remain my baby. ¬†I’m sure tears will be shed, most likely from me not him. ¬†M&M’s dad is trying my patience….enough said… There are individuals in my life whom I try to understand but wind up confused. ¬†Ughhh! ¬†No more sulking and more thank you’s. ¬†I have plenty to be grateful for:)

  1. My recovery. ¬†It’s the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last gracious thought before I fall asleep. ¬†And all day throughout the insanity that is life, I find myself saying a little prayer with big meaning.:)
  2. Sobriety.  I love this way of living!  I am so grateful I found it sooner than later:)
  3. M&M. ¬†They are the lights of my life. ¬†I cannot put into words how much I love them. ¬†And to think how selfish my behavior was when I was drinking could have cost them their mommy….It makes my stomach turn thinking about how many times I could have lost them….Pure insanity….So grateful!!!
  4. My new nephew from China, whom my sister and brother-in-law recently adopted and brought home.  That is pure joy and love for our entire family. It is simply amazing.
  5. My patients who remind me to keep it real everyday.  You are the real heroes and I am grateful to know each of you.
  6. My friends (in the program and the normies), who put up with my antics, my always running lateness, my being the devils advocate,  my quarkiness and I could go on, but thank you for loving me as I am and not giving up on me.
  7. Running. ¬†I’m looking for the passion and drive I once had. ¬†Not planning any marathons this time around, just the solitude and mindfulness a good run gives me ….losing a few pounds would be nice too;)
  8. A certain someone who has dealt with my many nuances and ‘freak outs’….thank you for being you.
  9. Sunsets. ¬†There have been a few beautiful ones lately. ¬†I never really sat and watched one…wow! ¬†Majestic.
  10. Me, myself, and I…. ¬†I am a grateful for who am I today, and what I went through to get here. ¬†I need to keep this in mind when I’m feeling blah. ¬†There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, ALWAYS!Ň°

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Turn Yourself Around

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I’m at a turning point, I think I have been ‘here’ for a while, but haven’t fully accepted, or maybe haven’t been comfortable with the idea.¬† That may seem a little odd, especially when I reflect on what this post is about…oh¬†progress not perfection…¬†Of course there have been many turning points over the¬†course of my young life. The biggest and most influential¬†becoming a mother, getting married, getting divorced, and¬†admitting I’m an alcoholic and¬†getting sober.¬† I wouldn’t change anything that I have endured over the years.¬† This statement may¬†seem crazy to some, and that’s ok.¬† It’s my life and I own it.

This is my turning point today.¬† I can finally say that I accept me for me.¬† Take it or leave it.¬† I have worked my ass off, not only in my recovery, but with just¬†about every facet of¬†my¬†being.¬† I am not the shy, scared,¬†sad, co-dependent, people pleaser that I was for many many years.¬† I no longer care what others think of me, (besides its none of my business).¬† I don’t have time for pettiness or drama, I spent too many years on that twisted ride.¬† I¬†hope and pray to stay off it.¬† I do my best to live in the 4 Absolutes: Honesty, Unselfishness, Purity, and Love.¬† It’s not always easy, I’m in recovery, not perfectūüėČ.

That being said, if it wasn’t for the program of AA and the journey I¬†started a year and 4 1/2 months ago, and continue on everyday (God¬† willing), I would not be at this turning point.¬† I would not be able to say with confidence that I like me and the woman I am becoming.¬† I’m living in the¬†moment , the best that I can, but I ‘m excited to see what’s in store ūüėä

Looking back at all the shit I went through and all pain I put¬†my loved ones through I cringe, but seeing me today, it was worth it, and¬†that’s a¬†pretty big turning¬†point!

My name is Katie and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.

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The 1st’s in Sobriety

Let’s try this again….. sorry about the “technical” err, user difficultiesūüėČ…

Over the past 11 months a lot of stuff has happened, a lot of firsts and without a drop of alcohol.¬† Events that in the past would have required a drink, or 2 or 4…. you get the idea.¬† The divorce, a breakup, financial strain, birthday parties, summer festivities, class reunion, the day-to-day hassles and hiccups life throws at you, when¬†I used to respond with, “I need a drink!”, and most recently, first dates.

I can proudly and confidently say that I got through the good, the bad, and the ugly with my sobriety intact.¬† To the “normie”(what we alcoholics call the normal social drinker), this may seem like no big deal, but to those of us who are recovering alcoholics, it is a very big deal.¬† As each event or situation comes my way and my sobriety remains intact, my confidence grows, and I grow more peaceful and content within.¬† Spiritual growth perhaps?

When I say confidence, I don’t mean cocky, I am not, nor do I want to become complacent.¬† My sober life today includes a core group of special women, including an awesome sponsor, who I am in constant contact with each and every day.¬† This group has¬†my back always, and vice versa.¬† They will and have called me out¬†on my shit.¬† Going into events or situations, I always have¬†a¬†plan, including exit strategies.¬† I know when to decline an invitation if I don’t think it will be ¬†“safe” or comfortable for me.¬† I realize that some may not understand¬†my reasoning, others may be offended, but my sobriety comes first and foremost.¬† Yes, even before my kids, (gasp), because if I do not protect my sobriety, if I decide to test the¬†waters, so to speak, I would jeopardize and most likely lose everything that I have worked so hard to obtain and achieve.¬† The most ¬†important ¬†being the relationship with my kids.

So as we are in the “throws” of the holiday season, and I¬†am venturing into the world of first dates, I am relying on all the tools I have collected over the last several months.¬† I must say that with each situation and or event that is¬† a “1st” in sobriety, I feel so incredibly grateful and¬†humbled.¬† I¬† did this, I am doing this, and I will continue to do this, God willing.¬† And maybe, just maybe, my experiences, my story, can help another who maybe struggling.

Sobriety aint¬†so¬†badūüėä