Warning: Character Defects Ahead

“I’m not easy to love…I’m a chronic over-thinker, I overreact more than I should…& every once in a while, I might be a little insecure.”….

I found this yesterday, & immediately started to cry…..I could relate….this was & is me…

These are a few of my character defects.

I hadn’t really thought about them in awhile.  I’ve been going along with my day to day activities.  Life moving along just fine.  Then suddenly the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a funk with a capital F.  I can blame the lack of sun, the cold temps, the cycle of coughs, running noses, fevers, & vomiting that has taken over my home, or the constant insanity at work.  All of this is enough to make anyone wave a white flag, jump ship, or in all seriousness pick up a drink.  I seriously considered the first 2 options; with #2 a serious contender to  a tropical paradise solo!  I can say with confidence that picking up a drink was not an option, or in my mind.  I know the consequesnces of that.  I continue to be grateful and blessed in my recovery.

No, my character defects were raring their ugly head in every aspect of my life,  which in turn was contributing to the funk.  Finding the poem that I quoted above was a lightbulb moment….it was a god wink moment….an a-ha moment.  I had a good cry then talked to the bf about my insecurities.  It was an open and honest conversation, something that was lacking in my previous relationships, including my marriage.  I always “danced” around the “tough topics of conversations”.  I never wanted to cause conflict or be disliked or judged.  The last couple of weeks I was slipping back into those old behaviors.  I could sense resentments starting to brew.  A constant feeling of “ick” was following me 24-7.

Steps 6 & 7 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Annoymous speak directly of character defects.

6.  ” Were entirely ready to have God removed all these defect of character”.

7.  “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”.

Today I did just that…..and I feel so much better.  I know that I will re-visit these steps again.  Its progress not perfection;).  But it still amazes me how good I feel when I am honest with myself.  When I am mindful of my feelings.  When I sit quietly and listen.  When I let go of nonesense.  When I have faith in God & in myself.  Life in sobriety and AA have given me these gifts.  I pray that I never take that for granted.

When its all said and done, I truly do like myself…I do love the person I have become and continue to grow to be.  I am grateful to have the life I have and special people in it.  They love me and my defects of character….even when I am struggling to do so myself… that is truly humbling & simply amazing.  Without the struggle, I wouldnt be the woman I am today, defects and all:)

 

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Unwritten

Hello friends, followers, & fellow bloggers…. it’s been awhile!  I am still sober & entirely grateful every single day, (571 days to be exact😊), & serene (most days).  Since this is a blog about my recovery I figured that I should mention that.😊

So what the heck have I been up to, since obviously I haven’t been blogging??!!

Living Life!!!!!!!!

Year 2 of recovery is better than the first yet challenging.  The craving and temptation are gone.  Do I ever think about having a drink? Of course!  I’m not perfect, I’m human.  Difference is,  I know how to handle these feelings,  I have the necessary tools in my recovery tool box.  I know what will happen if I pick up that one drink…it will be much…& eventually 5th or 6th wont be enough…  I am blessed and grateful to wake up everyday with no hangover, no memory lapse, no feeling of shame, & no money lost.  I am entirely grateful to go to bed each night sober.  I sleep amazingly well😊

When I worry about the what if’s, or the what am I missing??? I get reassurance from my awesome sponsor who kindly reminds me that I am healthy, that I don’t need to be waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’, so to speak.  That I don’t need to be in crisis mode or high alert 24-7.  I’m sober, I’m active in my recovery, & I am grateful😊.  Life Is good.

So, I am learning more about me.  What I want vs. What I need, & that what I want isn’t always necessarily what need, & vice versa.  Trust me when I say this isn’t always easy for this control freak, high expectation gal! Just to name a few of my character defects. I am also learning how to set boundaries with certain relationships and individuals in my life.  Most definitely a difficult task for a people pleaser like myself.  It’s progress, not perfection.😉

I’m also thinking about what I would like to do with the rest of  my life…. goals…. dreams….. I love my nursing job, but feel as though I need to expand my horizons. I often think about what It would be like to write book.  I love M&M with everything I have, But at times wonder what it would be like to have one more.   I wonder if I will get married again, or if I even want to…I have experienced deep true love…I hope for an everlasting relationship, knowing what I know now & what I have experienced the last  571 days.

I want to make a running comeback by my 40th Birthday.  I want to take my kids to Disney World (Someday).   I want them to know that making mistakes, mental illness, & hard times are all ok, it’s how you handle each situation that matters.  It’s ok to ask for help, its ok to not know all the answers.

As I’m writing this, I’m reminded of a song that my Aunt Ruthie mentioned on one of my earlier posts….

It has become my ‘theme song’ of sorts… I’ve come a long way, I don’t know what lies ahead, and I’m ok with that…

Unwritten, by Natasha Bedingfield

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So Now What??…

I have been asking myself this question since January 3rd.  I think that is part of the reason I haven’t blogged lately.  Well, that and some serious writers block.  I just haven’t had any descent (in my opinion) ideas that I have been able to develop into a logical, published post, worthy to share .

Wow, that is an  alcoholic statement!  it just oozes with egotistical, controlling , perfectionists traits, or in my case character defects.  I think I answered  my own question!

You see, since my anniversary, I’ve been reflecting and brainstorming how to keep the tempo of my recovery going at a steady pace.  The last 2 steps of Alcoholics  Anonymous is a foundation for the rest of my life in sobriety.

Step 11; Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 12; Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

In a nutshell, Staying involved by going to meetings, setting up meetings, leading discussions,  sponsoring,  and sharing my message (just to name a few).   This seems to be the easy part (none of it is actually easy), but the part that makes the most sense to me.  I guess I am scared that I am missing something, that I am leaving a piece out?… I have completed the 12 steps with my sponsor, who sometimes knows me better than myself.  I also expect to revisit Steps when necessary.   I have a home group, a group of ‘sober sisters’, I pray (need to do more of this), read a lot of literature on recovery and addiction (I choose too), and  oh  yes, this blog, and all the fellow  bloggers I have ‘met’, and admire.  (We are on this journey together).

Sooooo am I making  this way more complicated than it has to be, while on my quest for perfection???

Why am I hesitant and scared as I go into year 2?  Am I worried I will pick up a drink? Not really, (not being arrogant, I know what I will lose if I do),  Am I living in the 4 Absolutes? (honesty, unselfishness, purity, & love), I do my best.  Am I grateful just for today, and mindful of the past?,  For the most part.  Have I forgiven myself?  …. need to work on that… Am I happy?  Yes.

I think my character defects get the best of me at times.  I think I am often so aware and ‘on guard’ of my addiction ‘speaking to me’ (think letter I shared from my addiction), and worry that something is going to go wrong (because so much has gone wrong in the past especially before sobriety), that I am too hard on myself and often ask, what’s wrong or now what?…

Is it validation  I am searching for? I honestly don’t know the answer to that.  Yes? Sometimes?

Gosh, the 2nd year of sobriety just may be more difficult than the first when it comes to peeling away the layers of feelings, in order to maintain emotional sobriety and serenity.

I don’t want to end this post on a negative note, although I do believe I have brought up more questions than answers.  But you know what?, I feel calm and serene as if I’m being told ‘its going to be ok’…

Remember  its progress, not perfection.