“I’m not easy to love…I’m a chronic over-thinker, I overreact more than I should…& every once in a while, I might be a little insecure.”….
I found this yesterday, & immediately started to cry…..I could relate….this was & is me…
These are a few of my character defects.
I hadn’t really thought about them in awhile. I’ve been going along with my day to day activities. Life moving along just fine. Then suddenly the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a funk with a capital F. I can blame the lack of sun, the cold temps, the cycle of coughs, running noses, fevers, & vomiting that has taken over my home, or the constant insanity at work. All of this is enough to make anyone wave a white flag, jump ship, or in all seriousness pick up a drink. I seriously considered the first 2 options; with #2 a serious contender to a tropical paradise solo! I can say with confidence that picking up a drink was not an option, or in my mind. I know the consequesnces of that. I continue to be grateful and blessed in my recovery.
No, my character defects were raring their ugly head in every aspect of my life, which in turn was contributing to the funk. Finding the poem that I quoted above was a lightbulb moment….it was a god wink moment….an a-ha moment. I had a good cry then talked to the bf about my insecurities. It was an open and honest conversation, something that was lacking in my previous relationships, including my marriage. I always “danced” around the “tough topics of conversations”. I never wanted to cause conflict or be disliked or judged. The last couple of weeks I was slipping back into those old behaviors. I could sense resentments starting to brew. A constant feeling of “ick” was following me 24-7.
Steps 6 & 7 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Annoymous speak directly of character defects.
6. ” Were entirely ready to have God removed all these defect of character”.
7. “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”.
Today I did just that…..and I feel so much better. I know that I will re-visit these steps again. Its progress not perfection;). But it still amazes me how good I feel when I am honest with myself. When I am mindful of my feelings. When I sit quietly and listen. When I let go of nonesense. When I have faith in God & in myself. Life in sobriety and AA have given me these gifts. I pray that I never take that for granted.
When its all said and done, I truly do like myself…I do love the person I have become and continue to grow to be. I am grateful to have the life I have and special people in it. They love me and my defects of character….even when I am struggling to do so myself… that is truly humbling & simply amazing. Without the struggle, I wouldnt be the woman I am today, defects and all:)