Feeling Feelings….F@&#!!

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What a week!!!!

Happy, sad, confused, sick, frustrated, hurt, sick, worried, angry, sick, concerned, heartbroken, sick, embarrassed, jealous, sick, content…..

OK so obviously I’m sick, I don’t ‘do’sick well, & now I’m stuck on the couch really sickūüėü. ¬†But in between denial of being sick, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, & honestly, I don’t think in the last 2 years (since getting sober) have I actually felt so much raw emotion, like REALLY felt it.

I had to let go of someone I wasn’t ready to let go of, ¬†but I know it was the right thing to do. ¬†Wish like hell circumstances were different, but they ¬†are not, & I can’t wave a magic wand & change them (there was a time when I thought I could!) . ¬†It hurts, I’m sad, but I know I will be OK…(see progress not perfection)….

Divorce sucks!!! M&M are having a rough time right now. Maybe its post holiday ‘blah’s’, changes in schedules, colds, the moon…all of the above? ¬†But they are sad which results in a sad, worried, angry, frustrated momma. Of course, all directed at one particular person, whom will remain nameless, but we all know whom I’m talking about. ¬†Thinking in this way is not fair, its not all his fault. ¬†Its the nature of divorce. ¬†No matter how hard we try, & no matter how amicable we are; bottom line , our divorce affects M&M each & every day. Its hard work each & every day to make ‘divorce work’….hmmm. Some days are better than others.

Burnout. ¬†I love my job (I think I’ve made that abundantly clear), but even the best of the best can’t prevent the wave of uneasiness I felt this week. ¬†From feeling exhausted, inadequate, & questioning my critical thinking skills, my emotions were all over place. Ironically my workplace is typically the one place I feel 100% content, comfortable, & confident. ¬†Hot mess is a good way to describe me at work this week. Self doubt filled me. ¬†Not a good way to feel.

But I did feel it, I’ve been feeling ¬†all these emotions ALL week. ¬†I have been ALLOWING myself to feel the good the bad & the ugly. ¬†It’s been very cathartic. ¬†Honestly!! I haven’t felt such a wave of emotions in so long. ¬†Drinking numbed everything….and when I wasn’t drinking or drunk, I felt like shit regardless of what was going on in my life. ¬†What a horribly sad way to be. ¬†Even as I write this, I’m cringing recalling what my alcoholism did to emotional health.

Even though this week has not been easy, ¬†I can honestly say that at this moment I am content & feeling OK‚ėļ.

Everything is going as it should be…A small piece of my heart will always be with someone whom I have many memories,& I’m OK.¬†¬†My kids are awesome, & will be better than OK. And because of my awesome team, work will get better.

Once again, I realize that I have so much to be grateful for & that my God has a wicked sense of humor & I’m OK with that, all of that.‚ėļ

What a ride this life is…

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‚úĆūüŹŅ&‚̧

 

 

2Years 730 days.

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I’m 2 years old today, sober years that is. ¬†In many ways I am like a toddler…. Stubborn, inquisitive, fun-loving & snuggly one minute. ¬† Fiesty, irrational, & just a plain pain in the ass the next ¬†minute. ¬†Admitting this is the first step;).

So what has made year 2 different from year 1…

Faith, not fear.   Confidence & humility, not self pity or arrogance.  Selflessness, not selfishness.  Inner peace  & mindfulness, instead of restlessness.

Gee, sounds like I stole this ‘stuff’ right out of some self help book. ¬†Truth be told I have read a lot about these topics over the last 2 years, ¬†but I truely feel & believe that I have attained these attributes or characteristics over the last year or so. ¬†Trust me, I still have lots of work to do! ¬†They are not always present nor are they always on the forefront of my mind. ¬†Just like a toddler, I am sane & learning one minute, unhinged & on the brink of insanity the next. (Have you all figured out I am dealing with an actual toddler at home?;). ¬† Fortunately, I am able to reel in my emotions & think rationaly (99.9% of the time), unlike a toddler.

Year 2 in recovery ¬†has led me on a path to deeper self discovery. ¬†While year 1 was all about the why’s & the how’s of my addiction, to not obsessing about wanting a drink one day at a time, to working 24-7 on the 12steps. ¬†To this past year really learning about the true me. ¬†Who Katie really is…..what exactly makes me tick, & trying my darnedest to live in the 12 steps.

To be honest, all this self discovery and exploration hasn’t been half bad. ¬†I have learned that I am definitely more of an introvert than I originally ¬†thought. ¬†I enjoy being alone at times. I am a great nurse, kick ass mom & a descent writer. ¬†I am a morning person (who would of thought that after many many ¬†horrible hangover mornings). ¬†I usually root for the underdog & try to look at situations from both sides (which drives my friends crazy;). ¬†I am still ultra sensitive (this can be both positive and negative). ¬† Honesty is definitely always ¬†the best policy. ¬†I would like to be in a long term loving relationship, but I am also OK being a ¬†single independent gal, (wants vs. needs). ¬† I am ¬†not as handy as I think I am, (I have learned this the hard way, on more than one occasion;). ¬†My past is just that, my past. It doesn’t define me, I am not ashamed of it, & those around me can bring it up, but its not me today. ¬†I have let that shit go, I cannot help it if they can’t, (Bless them, change me). ¬† I do not ¬†miss drinking. ¬†The obsession is gone. ¬†Thank God! ¬†But I am not naive to ¬†think that my addiction is not waiting to pounce, always lurking, waiting for me to falter. ¬†That’s why I try to live in the 12 steps.

Year 2 has been a pretty good year. Lots of happy memories & some not so happy memories, but such is life.  I  do think its cool that my sober birthday coinsides with the new year.  Twice as much to celebrate & look forward to in the coming year.

So what will year 3 in sobriety & 2016 bring…. My 40th Birthday….eek!….Actually, I am ready, bring it on, I am only just beginning to live the life I am meant to live. ¬†Sobriety will be the reason I will be able to celebrate this milestone.

So as I say goodbye to 2015 and hello to 2016, I say Thank you to all those who have supported me when I didn’t believe in myself & gave me a kick in the ass when needed. ¬†I hope you will continue to do so in the future if warrented;). ¬†My future looks bright & the best is still to come.

‚̧&‚úĆūüŹŅ

Lyrics from the musical Wicked.

Defying Gravity

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Turn Yourself Around

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I’m at a turning point, I think I have been ‘here’ for a while, but haven’t fully accepted, or maybe haven’t been comfortable with the idea.¬† That may seem a little odd, especially when I reflect on what this post is about…oh¬†progress not perfection…¬†Of course there have been many turning points over the¬†course of my young life. The biggest and most influential¬†becoming a mother, getting married, getting divorced, and¬†admitting I’m an alcoholic and¬†getting sober.¬† I wouldn’t change anything that I have endured over the years.¬† This statement may¬†seem crazy to some, and that’s ok.¬† It’s my life and I own it.

This is my turning point today.¬† I can finally say that I accept me for me.¬† Take it or leave it.¬† I have worked my ass off, not only in my recovery, but with just¬†about every facet of¬†my¬†being.¬† I am not the shy, scared,¬†sad, co-dependent, people pleaser that I was for many many years.¬† I no longer care what others think of me, (besides its none of my business).¬† I don’t have time for pettiness or drama, I spent too many years on that twisted ride.¬† I¬†hope and pray to stay off it.¬† I do my best to live in the 4 Absolutes: Honesty, Unselfishness, Purity, and Love.¬† It’s not always easy, I’m in recovery, not perfectūüėČ.

That being said, if it wasn’t for the program of AA and the journey I¬†started a year and 4 1/2 months ago, and continue on everyday (God¬† willing), I would not be at this turning point.¬† I would not be able to say with confidence that I like me and the woman I am becoming.¬† I’m living in the¬†moment , the best that I can, but I ‘m excited to see what’s in store ūüėä

Looking back at all the shit I went through and all pain I put¬†my loved ones through I cringe, but seeing me today, it was worth it, and¬†that’s a¬†pretty big turning¬†point!

My name is Katie and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.

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Happy Anniversary

10 months, 305 days, over 7,000 hours….. sober…. big deal? kind of… I didn’t make it this far the first time around.¬† To many it may not seem that 10 months sober is a reason to celebrate or even worth mentioning.¬† But to me it represents the¬†hardest work I have ever done, which at times¬†has been incredibly painful.¬† I have learned more about the real me in 10 months than I had in¬†my previous 38 years.¬† Everyday I wake I am grateful for another day of sobriety.¬† I pray that if it is Gods will that I will stay sober another day. I¬† am given the opportunity to¬†make the right choices,¬†be present to those I love and encounter, be honest, be patient, and admit when I am wrong.¬† Is this difficult at times? Yes, I’m sober, not perfectūüėČ.¬† But going back to the dark, lonely, and¬†sad world of addiction is just a¬†place I absolutely do not want to re-visit, ever!

10 months ago, I awoke in a locked unit, a detox unit.  Terrified, yes, more importantly, an overwhelming sense of relief. I was done, finished, exhausted.  I had surrendered. While hospitalized, I wrote a letter to my addiction, a goodbye of sorts.  I  recently came across it and would like to share it.

01/2014

I suppose you could say we started out innocently enough.¬† Warm and inviting, “giving me” a sense of self-confidence (or so I thought), to a gal who was desperate for even a glimmer or shred of confidence.¬† When we were together I became funny and flirty, engaging, and confident.¬† I was led to believe that I belonged in any situation, and was liked by everyone.

Over a few years, your ugliness and true intentions began to appear, but I was not ready to give you up or break away.¬† I was not willing to notice our abusive relationship.¬† My reputation as “Fun Katie” or “Life of the party” became not so much fun anymore.¬† Broken promises of only one drink, or being the designated driver, was occurring more often than not.¬† I was becoming obsessed with you-even when I “thought” I didn’t want you.¬† You became all-encompassing in my day-to-day life!¬† I could rationalize why you were so important to me, more so than my loved ones.¬† How sick is that?¬† I said NO MORE!

But you are a temptress, just like an abusive relationship.¬† I kept coming back, thinking this time it will be different.¬†¬†I thought; I can stop drinking anytime!, only one drink!, I haven’t had a drink in 2 weeks, so its ok to drink tonight, or work is so stressful, it’s the only way I can unwind!¬† So many lies, so many excuses, so much manipulation, and so much un-¬†manageability.¬† I was broken and defeated, your grasp on me was slowly killing me.

We did break up for a brief period, and life was ok.¬†¬†I was putting the pieces of my life puzzle back together.¬† Unfortunately I became too vulnerable, and you seduced me.¬† How did this happen again?¬† Those around me couldn’t¬†grasp how I could take you back.¬†¬†Why wasn’t I¬†strong enough to just stop and walk away?

I am truly blessed with loved ones who got me the help I so desperately needed and desired.  The relief (overwhelming), that I finally surrendered and admitted that I was powerless over you (alcohol), felt like I was finally able to breathe after nearly drowning.

You are but a symptom of this horrible disease called alcoholism.  I am completely powerless to you, but I know what I must do in order to keep me well and sober.  Just as chemotherapy is the medication used to treat cancer; meetings, the 12 steps, my sponsor, being honest, humble, and patient are my medication.  Everyday is a battle, But I simply need to follow my treatment plan on a daily basis.

I am slowly realizing that I don’t hate you, what good would that do for me and my recovery?¬† I need to learn to respect you, (keep you enemies close).¬† You can be awakened at anytime and our destructive relationship could be rekindled.¬† It is Completely up to me to use the¬†tools I¬†have been given and learning to use every day.¬† By the grace of God, I have¬†been given another chance, and to that, I am eternally grateful.¬† I cannot and will not underestimate your power, but¬† most definitely will not give you anymore power.¬† I have too much to¬†live for!

Signed

A grateful alcoholic.

10 months ago I was defeated and scared, today I am¬†full gratitude.¬† I think that’s a reason to celebrate.

The C word

“Nobody told me how hard and lonely change is”¬†¬† -Joan Gilbertson

Isn’t that the truth?!¬† Lately, I have been feeling like I am traveling on an endless road of change, and even though I am surrounded by love & support, I feel like I am alone at¬† times.¬†So much has changed over the last couple of years, both positive and negative, that I take pause for a moment, chuckle to myself, and think my God must have a wicked sense of humor!

Obviously my drinking affected every aspect of my life and major life changes were necessary in order to save my life, my¬†children, my relationships, my job, …EVERYTHING!¬†¬† Over the course of my recovery I am learning¬†other aspects of me that could use a tune up.¬† Wanting to control every aspect of my life, striving for perfection (high expectations),¬† and being way overly sensitive to just name a few….¬† seriously, I was a b!#$h! ūüėÜ. And I am ok with saying that.

Working on all these changes in behavior and attitudes is not easy¬†and can be lonely.¬† I have lost friendships and relationships over the course of this journey.¬†In all honesty, I wish these individuals would see me as the woman I am today.¬† But, it’s not my place to wonder what¬†others think of me.¬† I must be attentive to my behaviors and make changes if warranted. It takes courage and it takes willingness, two required steps that at times, I just don’t feel like or want to risk taking.¬† I’m allowed to feel this way, I just can’t stay in this mindset, because I will fall back into old behaviors and attitudes and I definitely do not want to go back down that path.¬† So I will continue to travel (at times trudge) on this road of change for the better,¬†with those who support me.¬† Who knows who or what I will find along the wayūüėä