A Crossroad to Grace

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I feel like I am at a crossroad of sorts… unsure of what direction to choose.  I am approaching 18 months of sobriety, a big deal?… maybe a little, maybe not.  I am not expecting pats on the back or accolades of any sort.  Sobriety is my way of life now.  Recovery is my life, and a great life at that.  I have absolutely no desire, nor do I miss the misery and lifestyle I embraced when I was drinking.  I do ‘play the tape’ back of my last drink, as well as other painful experiences while intoxicated, and it gives me anxiety, a physiological response, almost like a fight or flight response.  I do not regret my past, I own it, and respect it, but I hope to never return to that dark, dismal, lonely place.  A place where I was completely broken and hopeless.

I am grateful that today I am comfortable and accepting of being alone.  This is different from being lonely, I am far from being lonely.  I am comfortable with myself, I am who I am, I can be alone and be ok with that.  There was a time not too long ago when I would not of been able to say that.  Huh, perhaps I’m experiencing some growth?.

So with this new found growth, I have been experiencing some unrest or uneasiness. ….Ok, I am just going to call myself out; I’m just not into my meetings these days…. there I said it!  Before the backlash starts and the well meaning slogans such as you know ‘meeting makers make it’, let me explain.  I love AA.  The program, the steps, the women I call sisters, have all impacted my life, and in many ways saved my life.  I have learned a whole new way to live.

I am not becoming anti- AA, nor am I suggesting that I am above meetings or the program.  I am also not suggesting that I am cocky or over confident with my sobriety & recovery.  I just feel restless, like I need to change the course up a bit.

New meetings, try to step out of my comfort zone? Volunteer, give back, lead, teach, write?  Try new activities?  I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas.  I do know that my meetings are not full-filling me right now and that something is missing.  Yes, I have been praying, and thinking about this a lot, hoping to find some answers.

I realize some may disagree with my ideas, and that’s ok,   I’m not look looking for approval, I’m looking for suggestions.  I’m looking for ways to enhance my recovery program.  I will always be a part of AA and I will always rely on meetings and the program as my core and foundation to my recovery.  I would like to expand my horizons.  I am very aware that my nasty addiction is always lingering, waiting to pounce ..  I am not naïve to this.  I have a kick ass recovery toolbox, I would like to add a few new tools.

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The Not so Great Expectations

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I will preface this post with I am far from perfect & I don’t pretend to be, so with that being said;  I feel like my expectations have been heightened since I got sober. Maybe it’s because I’m thinking clearly and have cleaned up so much garbage from my past.  Maybe it’s because I believe the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous can be the foundation for heathy living for everyone, not just alcoholics.  Or maybe it’s because I expect others to change because I have. (See I even use the word on a regular basis!). I say all this even though deep down I know that I can only concern myself with me, and no one else.  But that is not always easy.  I find myself disappointed in others and myself when a situation or event or even the mundane day-to-day stuff doesn’t go as I had planned.  I try to hide my disappointment on the outside, but inside I’m hurt, sad, frustrated, irritated(just to name a few).  And mostly at myself. I feel the resentment build within me, almost as if I can’t catch my breath.  When I let it get to this point, I must take a step back & look at the facts.  The majority of the time these resentments are a direct result of the expectations I have placed on others &/or myself.  I really wish there was an easy way to stop this cycle!  I have been thinking and praying about this issue a lot lately, I don’t like feeling resentful, it does me no good.  Resentments can lead me down a dangerous path, a path my addiction would love to see me on.  When I was drinking I resented just about everyone and everything, in fact I resented the fact that my resentments made me drink(if that makes sense), which is typical alcoholic thinking.
I guess when it comes down to it, I just need to focus on the task or day at hand.  I can be hopeful. I can (& should)  act and not expect.  Most importantly I can turn it all over to the big guy upstairs, ‘he’ knows what ‘he’ is doing and what is best for me….’He’ has not let me down.  I sometimes forget that….

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