I feel like I am at a crossroad of sorts… unsure of what direction to choose. I am approaching 18 months of sobriety, a big deal?… maybe a little, maybe not. I am not expecting pats on the back or accolades of any sort. Sobriety is my way of life now. Recovery is my life, and a great life at that. I have absolutely no desire, nor do I miss the misery and lifestyle I embraced when I was drinking. I do ‘play the tape’ back of my last drink, as well as other painful experiences while intoxicated, and it gives me anxiety, a physiological response, almost like a fight or flight response. I do not regret my past, I own it, and respect it, but I hope to never return to that dark, dismal, lonely place. A place where I was completely broken and hopeless.
I am grateful that today I am comfortable and accepting of being alone. This is different from being lonely, I am far from being lonely. I am comfortable with myself, I am who I am, I can be alone and be ok with that. There was a time not too long ago when I would not of been able to say that. Huh, perhaps I’m experiencing some growth?.
So with this new found growth, I have been experiencing some unrest or uneasiness. ….Ok, I am just going to call myself out; I’m just not into my meetings these days…. there I said it! Before the backlash starts and the well meaning slogans such as you know ‘meeting makers make it’, let me explain. I love AA. The program, the steps, the women I call sisters, have all impacted my life, and in many ways saved my life. I have learned a whole new way to live.
I am not becoming anti- AA, nor am I suggesting that I am above meetings or the program. I am also not suggesting that I am cocky or over confident with my sobriety & recovery. I just feel restless, like I need to change the course up a bit.
New meetings, try to step out of my comfort zone? Volunteer, give back, lead, teach, write? Try new activities? I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas. I do know that my meetings are not full-filling me right now and that something is missing. Yes, I have been praying, and thinking about this a lot, hoping to find some answers.
I realize some may disagree with my ideas, and that’s ok, I’m not look looking for approval, I’m looking for suggestions. I’m looking for ways to enhance my recovery program. I will always be a part of AA and I will always rely on meetings and the program as my core and foundation to my recovery. I would like to expand my horizons. I am very aware that my nasty addiction is always lingering, waiting to pounce .. I am not naïve to this. I have a kick ass recovery toolbox, I would like to add a few new tools.
I will preface this post with I am far from perfect & I don’t pretend to be, so with that being said; I feel like my expectations have been heightened since I got sober. Maybe it’s because I’m thinking clearly and have cleaned up so much garbage from my past. Maybe it’s because I believe the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous can be the foundation for heathy living for everyone, not just alcoholics. Or maybe it’s because I expect others to change because I have. (See I even use the word on a regular basis!). I say all this even though deep down I know that I can only concern myself with me, and no one else. But that is not always easy. I find myself disappointed in others and myself when a situation or event or even the mundane day-to-day stuff doesn’t go as I had planned. I try to hide my disappointment on the outside, but inside I’m hurt, sad, frustrated, irritated(just to name a few). And mostly at myself. I feel the resentment build within me, almost as if I can’t catch my breath. When I let it get to this point, I must take a step back & look at the facts. The majority of the time these resentments are a direct result of the expectations I have placed on others &/or myself. I really wish there was an easy way to stop this cycle! I have been thinking and praying about this issue a lot lately, I don’t like feeling resentful, it does me no good. Resentments can lead me down a dangerous path, a path my addiction would love to see me on. When I was drinking I resented just about everyone and everything, in fact I resented the fact that my resentments made me drink(if that makes sense), which is typical alcoholic thinking.
I guess when it comes down to it, I just need to focus on the task or day at hand. I can be hopeful. I can (& should) act and not expect. Most importantly I can turn it all over to the big guy upstairs, ‘he’ knows what ‘he’ is doing and what is best for me….’He’ has not let me down. I sometimes forget that….
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