Turn Yourself Around

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I’m at a turning point, I think I have been ‘here’ for a while, but haven’t fully accepted, or maybe haven’t been comfortable with the idea.  That may seem a little odd, especially when I reflect on what this post is about…oh progress not perfection… Of course there have been many turning points over the course of my young life. The biggest and most influential becoming a mother, getting married, getting divorced, and admitting I’m an alcoholic and getting sober.  I wouldn’t change anything that I have endured over the years.  This statement may seem crazy to some, and that’s ok.  It’s my life and I own it.

This is my turning point today.  I can finally say that I accept me for me.  Take it or leave it.  I have worked my ass off, not only in my recovery, but with just about every facet of my being.  I am not the shy, scared, sad, co-dependent, people pleaser that I was for many many years.  I no longer care what others think of me, (besides its none of my business).  I don’t have time for pettiness or drama, I spent too many years on that twisted ride.  I hope and pray to stay off it.  I do my best to live in the 4 Absolutes: Honesty, Unselfishness, Purity, and Love.  It’s not always easy, I’m in recovery, not perfect😉.

That being said, if it wasn’t for the program of AA and the journey I started a year and 4 1/2 months ago, and continue on everyday (God  willing), I would not be at this turning point.  I would not be able to say with confidence that I like me and the woman I am becoming.  I’m living in the moment , the best that I can, but I ‘m excited to see what’s in store 😊

Looking back at all the shit I went through and all pain I put my loved ones through I cringe, but seeing me today, it was worth it, and that’s a pretty big turning point!

My name is Katie and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.

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So Now What??…

I have been asking myself this question since January 3rd.  I think that is part of the reason I haven’t blogged lately.  Well, that and some serious writers block.  I just haven’t had any descent (in my opinion) ideas that I have been able to develop into a logical, published post, worthy to share .

Wow, that is an  alcoholic statement!  it just oozes with egotistical, controlling , perfectionists traits, or in my case character defects.  I think I answered  my own question!

You see, since my anniversary, I’ve been reflecting and brainstorming how to keep the tempo of my recovery going at a steady pace.  The last 2 steps of Alcoholics  Anonymous is a foundation for the rest of my life in sobriety.

Step 11; Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 12; Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

In a nutshell, Staying involved by going to meetings, setting up meetings, leading discussions,  sponsoring,  and sharing my message (just to name a few).   This seems to be the easy part (none of it is actually easy), but the part that makes the most sense to me.  I guess I am scared that I am missing something, that I am leaving a piece out?… I have completed the 12 steps with my sponsor, who sometimes knows me better than myself.  I also expect to revisit Steps when necessary.   I have a home group, a group of ‘sober sisters’, I pray (need to do more of this), read a lot of literature on recovery and addiction (I choose too), and  oh  yes, this blog, and all the fellow  bloggers I have ‘met’, and admire.  (We are on this journey together).

Sooooo am I making  this way more complicated than it has to be, while on my quest for perfection???

Why am I hesitant and scared as I go into year 2?  Am I worried I will pick up a drink? Not really, (not being arrogant, I know what I will lose if I do),  Am I living in the 4 Absolutes? (honesty, unselfishness, purity, & love), I do my best.  Am I grateful just for today, and mindful of the past?,  For the most part.  Have I forgiven myself?  …. need to work on that… Am I happy?  Yes.

I think my character defects get the best of me at times.  I think I am often so aware and ‘on guard’ of my addiction ‘speaking to me’ (think letter I shared from my addiction), and worry that something is going to go wrong (because so much has gone wrong in the past especially before sobriety), that I am too hard on myself and often ask, what’s wrong or now what?…

Is it validation  I am searching for? I honestly don’t know the answer to that.  Yes? Sometimes?

Gosh, the 2nd year of sobriety just may be more difficult than the first when it comes to peeling away the layers of feelings, in order to maintain emotional sobriety and serenity.

I don’t want to end this post on a negative note, although I do believe I have brought up more questions than answers.  But you know what?, I feel calm and serene as if I’m being told ‘its going to be ok’…

Remember  its progress, not perfection.