A new year and more importantly a sober year. I’ve been struggling with what to blog about, putting too much pressure on myself, (no surprise there), attempting to write something profound and deep. I keep expecting a light bulb moment, and for the words to magically transform into a post….if only;) …. So I decided to let my thoughts take over, and speak from the heart, and reflect on the past year.
Like most, I started last year with hopes and several goals: lose weight, eat clean, work out more, be a better mom, daughter, sister, girlfriend etc…write a book, complete a half marathon, make a difference in the world….I’m not knocking resolutions completely, it’s important to have goals, but why do we goto bed new years eve and expect to wake up new years day with a completely new mindset? It’s just another day, a new day on the calendar, but not much else has changed. Am I being too cynical? Perhaps…
The more I think about it, I feel like this mode of thinking just sets me up for disappointment and failure. It’s those damn expecations that cause so much grief. Not too mention, I focus on the negative (not good enough, not fit enough, not engaged enough and on and on), while missing the little moments, the good snipits in life.
One of the biggest and most important aspects of my recovery has been to be mindful, to live in the moment, to be present. Honestly, it has been one of the HARDEST attributes to learn and live in, but is definitely the most rewarding. As a people pleasing introvert who thrives on organization and constantly worries about everything; taking a deep breathe and taking things as they come while not ‘sweating the small stuff’ hasn’t been easy. Quite honestly, it’s a down right struggle. I have had to rely on faith and on God’s time not mine, over and over again this year. My struggles are mine, in some regards I am still “cleaning up the wreckage of my past”, as is stated in the Big Book of AA. But I work my ass off to take it one day at a time, some days I do this better than others:).
I remind myself to cherish each day, the little moments, the mundane moments, they are all important. I find this especially rewarding when it comes to M&M and my relationships with loved ones. I have learned to be more patient, less rushed, and just ‘unplug’ sometimes. It is truly amazing and hard to put into words how being present in the moment and in the lives and relationships of loved ones really feels…
I can only say that it is a miracle and a precious gift of sobriety that I know what and how to be mindful. I am so very grateful to have been bestowed this gift.
So as I embark on year number 4, I hope and pray for continued mindfulness, this is my resolution. Just as I pray and remain entirely grateful for another year of sobriety. For with out sobriety I have nothing.
Joy, peace, and love to you all in 2018.