How is it possible that 10 years have gone by? It quite honestly feels like yesterday. That’s the funny or not so funny thing about grief….just when I think the date will come and go like any other day, I am hit with an overwhelming sadness that you are not around. It’s hard to breathe sometimes because you are missed so much…
I know you are looking down on us; but it’s not the same as being here, being present. Your grandchildren are amazing and they would delight you to no end. There are now 4 boys, pretty close in age, non stop activity ALL DAY LONG! It’s never a dull moment and it’s awesome to see mom interact with these little guys. It would make you chuckle, it would also exhaust you;). M&M continue to amaze me with their huge hearts, big sense of humor, and their zest for life. I never imagined I would be a single parent, solely responsible for raising these 2 kiddos in many aspects of their lives; but I’m doing it, one day at a time, many days one hour at a time. I’m fortunate that I have an amazing career and job that enables me to provide for them, and have the flexibility to be present for day to day mommy stuff. I have pretty great guy in my life, and at times I feel like you are interjecting a snipit of your character in him, just to keep me on my toes:)❤.
Mom never ceases to amaze me, or any of us. Her strength, dignity, and compassion is unwavering. You would be proud. She misses you deeply, you were her soulmate, the love of her life, but she keeps her self busy! Her social calender is like one I have never seen;). My sisters have overcome their own obstacles, and tragedies to build beautiful families, and admirable careers, that I sometimes envy, but mostly admire. You would most definitely be proud of them too.
I often wonder what you would say to me today… for it was in your last days that you confronted me about my drinking. I definitely didn’t want to hear it at that time… But I think deep down in my subconscious, I knew it to be true, I knew you were right, but wasn’t anywhere ready to face that truth and stop drinking. It had to be on my terms. I was no where near my rockbottom at that point. That defiance or stubbornness, was how our relationship worked. Push and pull. Pushing each others’ buttons. Me feeling like I was never living up to your expectations, feeling like I never was ‘as good as’ my sisters. Feeling like a disappointment in your eyes. You battling me with hurtful words… and vice versa…
Recovery has opened my mind, and my heart to the real me. My true self… the good the bad and the ugly…. My perception of you; of our relationship was not always the reality. I think you knew I wasn’t meeting my fullest potential, that you knew I was destined for great things, if I only believed in myself. To make that happenen I had to get my act together. I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, and ask for help. Getting sober did just that, and I am grateful each and everyday that I made the choice to get sober and I thank God for being sober another day, everyday. You are a part of my recovery, Dad. My heart is full knowing you helped save me yet my heart breaks a little knowing that you are not physically here to see it. I think that’s what hurts the most; you not getting to witness the happy ending… And it’s true, I am genuinely happy, even in times of grief. Does that make sense? I think it does, and I bet you do too.
Thanks Dad. I love you.
Love, your eldest munchkin.