Faith Hope & Love

It’s Easter. New Life. New Beginnings. Hope. Blogging about that would be easy.  I could go on & on about how life has been merrily rolling along… All sunshine, butterflies, & unicorns. But we all know that’s not true all the time.  Life is hard.  There are no ands, ifs, or buts about that, & my life ain’t no different.
Easter brings about reflecting on where I came from & how far I’ve come. Not just with regards to my sobriety & recovery; although that is my number one.  I like to think about relationships, my kiddos, my career, & personal goals. My recovery is stable.  I am in a very mindful & well balanced place in my recovery.  But secondary aspects of my life have me feeling worried, inadequate, unmatched, & frustrated.  How can this be when I feel so good recovery wise? Is this even possible? Does this even make sense?

When I was in my deepest despair, when I felt completely unloved or loveable, when I numbed every feeling with alcohol, so I couldn’t & refused to face the truth.  I was terrifed, my life as I knew it was spiraling out of control.  I tried to keep up with appearances but the only one I was fooling was myself.  I was so sick I didn’t give much thought to my kids, relationships, career, or my physical well being.   It was only by the grace of God I got sober.

Fast forward 3.5 years.  I am happy, I do like myself (most days), I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man, who is yin to my yang☺.  My kiddos are flourishing, & I have finally forgiven myself for being ‘absent’ for so many years due to my drinking.  I live in the moment & cherish them.

My career is flourishing.  As I write this I am being considered for a new position within my department.  This will give me much more responsibility & endless opportunites.  I was also nominated for the March of Dimes Ohio nurse of the year.  I have no idea by whom…..I am completely flattered & shocked.  I should mention that I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to appear & tell me I’ve been ‘Punked’😁.  Not too shabby for a gal who was on the verge of losing her job 4 years ago.

Finally I am training (struggling is more like it), for the Cleveland 1/2 marathon in May.  I’m getting back into the groove of long runs & how its mind over matter. Running means so much more than just putting in miles, it’s really a metaphor for life.

So many amazingly awesome things going on, yet I still am that scared little girl who doesnt feel like she belongs or fits in. I am incessantly comapring myself to others &  par take in self sabatoging (Please see above).  Why, why do I do this? I deserve all the good things coming my way.  So why do I doubt myself at times? I know that I am not alone with this…. Many dont have the balls (pardon my language),to talk about it…..

The more I think about it the more I realize that I’m keeping it real.  I’m not attempting  to hide the real me or be someone I’m not.  I have flaws, I have insecurites.  I’m sober not perfect;).  But if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be able to process all life throws at me.  I would be stuck full of resentments & playing the blame game….I was definitely good at that during my drinking days.  Most importantly, I wouldnt  have the gifts nor the promises (AA) that I humbly have received.  I do have feelings of fear & inadequacies, but I also have hope,  I have gratitude,  I have love, I have faith.

So this easter I’m gonna reflect on what God has given me.  Jesus died & rose again so that I could live.  So living is what I’m gonna do!

Happy Easter!🌸🌼🌷❤

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