It’s Easter. New Life. New Beginnings. Hope. Blogging about that would be easy. I could go on & on about how life has been merrily rolling along… All sunshine, butterflies, & unicorns. But we all know that’s not true all the time. Life is hard. There are no ands, ifs, or buts about that, & my life ain’t no different.
Easter brings about reflecting on where I came from & how far I’ve come. Not just with regards to my sobriety & recovery; although that is my number one. I like to think about relationships, my kiddos, my career, & personal goals. My recovery is stable. I am in a very mindful & well balanced place in my recovery. But secondary aspects of my life have me feeling worried, inadequate, unmatched, & frustrated. How can this be when I feel so good recovery wise? Is this even possible? Does this even make sense?
When I was in my deepest despair, when I felt completely unloved or loveable, when I numbed every feeling with alcohol, so I couldn’t & refused to face the truth. I was terrifed, my life as I knew it was spiraling out of control. I tried to keep up with appearances but the only one I was fooling was myself. I was so sick I didn’t give much thought to my kids, relationships, career, or my physical well being. It was only by the grace of God I got sober.
Fast forward 3.5 years. I am happy, I do like myself (most days), I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man, who is yin to my yang☺. My kiddos are flourishing, & I have finally forgiven myself for being ‘absent’ for so many years due to my drinking. I live in the moment & cherish them.
My career is flourishing. As I write this I am being considered for a new position within my department. This will give me much more responsibility & endless opportunites. I was also nominated for the March of Dimes Ohio nurse of the year. I have no idea by whom…..I am completely flattered & shocked. I should mention that I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to appear & tell me I’ve been ‘Punked’😁. Not too shabby for a gal who was on the verge of losing her job 4 years ago.
Finally I am training (struggling is more like it), for the Cleveland 1/2 marathon in May. I’m getting back into the groove of long runs & how its mind over matter. Running means so much more than just putting in miles, it’s really a metaphor for life.
So many amazingly awesome things going on, yet I still am that scared little girl who doesnt feel like she belongs or fits in. I am incessantly comapring myself to others & par take in self sabatoging (Please see above). Why, why do I do this? I deserve all the good things coming my way. So why do I doubt myself at times? I know that I am not alone with this…. Many dont have the balls (pardon my language),to talk about it…..
The more I think about it the more I realize that I’m keeping it real. I’m not attempting to hide the real me or be someone I’m not. I have flaws, I have insecurites. I’m sober not perfect;). But if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be able to process all life throws at me. I would be stuck full of resentments & playing the blame game….I was definitely good at that during my drinking days. Most importantly, I wouldnt have the gifts nor the promises (AA) that I humbly have received. I do have feelings of fear & inadequacies, but I also have hope, I have gratitude, I have love, I have faith.
So this easter I’m gonna reflect on what God has given me. Jesus died & rose again so that I could live. So living is what I’m gonna do!