Blame the cold, dark, & dreary days of winter in Cleveland, (excluding this past weekend:). Blame burnout within multiple aspects of my life. Blame the cycle of sickness among the kids & I. Blame the lack of motivation to want to do much of anything some days(eek half marathon is 3 months away!!!!). Blame worrying about everyone else, & not making myself a priority. Blame the alignment of the sun & the moon. Ok, maybe that one is a stretch, but man do I need a massive reset button.
Problem is; I’m scared. There I said it. In my mind I know exactly what I need to do to get out of this rut, but fear is holding me back….the fear of change. Why??? Change does not typically freak me out. I usually grab a hold of it & say hell ya, lets go for it! But current circumstances are leaving me weary & scared. My recovery tactics are kicking into overdrive right now. All the AA-isms, I have read, heard, & spoken of over the last few years are constantly in the forefront of my mind. I say the serenity prayer at least 20 times a day to clear my head & focus(it is my favorite prayer:). I will say that being sober & in active recovery at this exact point in time is very helpful & therapeutic. If I was still drinking the opportunities that are coming my way would not even exist. If I was still drinking I would not be of sound mind to make any decisions. If I was still drinking I would be using manipulative tactics to get the results “I thought” were best. If I was still drinking, I most definitely would not be typing these words, on this blog…
So, needless to say, I am grateful beyond words. I am sober today, & just for today. Today, I make decisions just for today. Today, I talk to those who care & support me, I value their opinions & advice. Today, I make healthy decisions. Today, I have decided I need to move forward in certain areas of my life. ( I’m not joining the circus, or moving to the north pole:).
With that I’m gonna try my hardest to embrace the changes & get out of this rut. I pray everyday that God will lead me to the right decision. Some days I do this better than others. Sometimes I’m not willing to listen (old habits die hard). I continue to be a work in progress:). Most importantly, I need to remember that everything happens on God’s time frame, not mine, and change will happen when its supposed to, I just need to be open and ready to embrace it.