Thanksgiving and the holidays are quickly approaching and its at this point in time that I start thinking about my sobriety anniversary as well. I like to reflect on my journey….keeps me humble.
I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I was meant to experience all that I have over the last few years. The heartache, the jealousy, the shame (lots of it), the loss, the anger (lots of that), and the fear….all of it….and I wouldn’t change a damn thing…not one single thing…
Its hard to put into words why and how I exactly feel this way…I just do…. My recovery has been life changing, life altering really. I didn’t just stop drinking, I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I stopped the self loathing, I stopped being afraid of what everyone else thought, I stopped disrespecting myself and everyone who cared about me when I didn’t. If I’m being honest, the not drinking was the easy part. All the other stuff, not so much. It requires attention and work each and every day. Everyday I make a conscious decision to be grateful, to be kind, to be present, to be mindful. I don’t always succeed at everything everyday, I’m not perfect;), but I try.
When I first got sober, not drinking was the most important and biggest challenge. Today, I am grateful I don’t have the urges or cravings to pick up a drink, but I am aware that those feeling could creep back at any moment. Today my biggest challenge is being the best I can be. That means, being grateful for something even if its the crappiest day ever. It means being kind to those who don’t exhibit kindness back, or whom I may not agree with….for I do not know what battles they are up against. It means being a positive, loving example to my kids, my friends, my family, and my co workers; at a time when society is not so positive and loving. It means being honest with myself, and those I care about.
And if I’m being honest, its not always easy living life this way.
Some days are just plain shitty. Some days I want to throw the covers over my head and not speak to anyone. Sometimes I just want to throw a temper tantrum like my son…..I don’t….but I want too…. On days like these, I step back and think how far I have come….it wasn’t that long ago I was drinking every day to numb everything… That my daughter was going to bed by herself because her mom was passed out… That I was unloveable and alone because I couldn’t love myself…and my kids would be better off if I was dead…. Lowest of the low….despair….
Fast forward to today…..
My kids are my world….and they teach me about true unconditional love everyday. I have a new renewed passion for eating well and exercising. My job is taking me to new heights and I am so grateful to be in a career that I truly love. I’m in a healthy relationship that is loving and honest. Fear doesn’t control me, its just a feeling that I acknowledge & move past. I live in the present. I love me.
So yes, I am grateful for going through hell. And yes I was born for this wild wacky journey….I wouldnt want it any other way.