I have been doing some serious soul searching lately & asking myself a lot of questions, & patiently (maybe not so much), waiting for answers….or maybe they are right in front of me, & I just can’t or won’t see them.
I find myself asking a lot of why’s….
Why do I insist on making situations harder for myself?
Why do I have to be such a sensitive sap?
Why does my heart have to be the one broken all the time?
Why do I have to be an alcoholic?
Why can’t I run like I used too?
Why can’t losing weight being as simple as gaining it?
Why do I only get to be a parent 50% of the time?
Why can’t cancer just go away? (I’d find another nursing speciality).
Why can’t Adele write chippier (is that even a word??!) music? (I’m kinda obsessed with her latest album).
Why can’t I get my kids to brush their teeth on a regular basis?
OK, so a few of these are silly, but so am I at times.
You see, I have been in a funk with a capital F.
I’m so very good at putting on a happy face;(please refer to a few lines above), when in reality, I’m sad. Depressed. No. A Funk yes. The difference…..I know it’s not gonna last forever. I still want to be a productive worker bee in society. I still enjoy stuff & in fact,venturing into some new activies… Stay tuned☺.
I guess I’m having a hard time letting myself be sad. For some reason I feel like I have to be happy, go lucky, Katie ALL THE TIME. I have to be loving sobriety & basking in a recovery glow 24-7. (Crap that is a lot of pressure!). Truth is, I don’t want to be this all the time. Sober, ABSOLUTELY! There is no doubt in my mind of any other way for me to live. That being said, is it always easy? No. I guess I feel like I’m expected to happy, joyous, & free all the time. News flash…I don’t feel so happy, joyous, or free all the time. I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel exhausted, I feel frustrated. Recovery is hard, it’s a full time job. Its also the most rewarding ( tied with being a momma). As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I am only to blame for feeling like I have to be perfect & happy all the time. It’s my own expectations of how I think I should be & how I think situations & environments around me should be. Damn expectations get me all the time!!!
Light bulb moment!!!
Maybe I should step back & look at how far I have come over the last couple of years. Maybe I should dig a little deeper and say well why not me? Maybe I need to stop beating myself up over decisions & situations that I have absolutely no control over, & that the only thing I can control is how I react. Maybe I already know the answers to many of my whys. Maybe its OK to feel blah….but instead of dwelling in the muck I need to make a gratitude list and be grateful!
Maybe I should take a deep breath, be mindful, & trust in God that I’m OK enough & that I’m gonna be OK.
Oh and maybe I should switch from Adele to something with a little more pep.☺