But Why

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I have been doing some serious soul searching lately & asking myself a lot of questions, & patiently (maybe not so much), waiting for answers….or maybe they are right in front of me, & I just can’t or won’t see them.

I find myself asking a lot of why’s….
Why do I insist on making situations harder for myself?
Why do I have to be such a sensitive sap?
Why does my heart have to be the one broken all the time?
Why do I have to be an alcoholic?
Why can’t I run like I used too?
Why can’t losing weight being as simple as gaining it?
Why do I only get to be a parent 50% of the time?
Why can’t cancer just go away? (I’d find another nursing speciality).
Why can’t Adele write chippier (is that even a word??!) music? (I’m kinda obsessed with her latest album).
Why can’t I get my kids to brush their teeth on a regular basis?

OK, so a few of these are silly, but so am I at times.

You see, I have been in a funk with a capital F.
I’m so very good at putting on a happy face;(please refer to a few lines above), when in reality, I’m sad.  Depressed. No. A Funk yes.  The difference…..I know it’s not gonna last forever. I still want to be a productive worker bee in society. I still enjoy stuff & in fact,venturing into some new activies…  Stay tuned☺.

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I guess I’m having a hard time letting myself be sad.  For some reason I feel like I have to be happy, go lucky, Katie ALL THE TIME.  I have to be loving sobriety & basking in a recovery glow 24-7. (Crap that is a lot of pressure!).  Truth is, I don’t want to be this all the time. Sober, ABSOLUTELY! There is no doubt in my mind of any other way for me to live.  That being said, is it always easy?  No.   I guess I feel like I’m expected to happy, joyous, & free all the time.  News flash…I don’t feel so happy, joyous, or free all the time.  I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel exhausted, I feel frustrated. Recovery is hard, it’s a full time job.  Its also the most rewarding ( tied with being a momma).  As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I am only to blame for feeling like I have to be perfect & happy all the time.  It’s my own expectations of how I think I should be & how I think situations & environments around me should be. Damn expectations get me all the time!!!

Light bulb moment!!!
Maybe I should step back & look at how far I have come over the last couple of years.  Maybe I should dig a little deeper and say well why not me?  Maybe I need to stop beating myself up over decisions & situations that I have absolutely no control over, & that the only thing I can control is how I react.  Maybe I already know the answers to many of my whys.  Maybe its OK to feel blah….but instead of dwelling in the muck I need to make a gratitude list and be grateful!
Maybe I should take a deep breath, be mindful, & trust in God that I’m OK enough & that I’m gonna be OK.

Oh and maybe I should switch from Adele to something with a little more pep.☺

✌&❤

 

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10 thoughts on “But Why

  1. Loved this read, it had a lot of great points! The hardest part sometimes is allowing yourself to have feelings. To actually let loose and have emotions. Sometimes I personally feel I have to have a plastered face on all the time to hold it together so for anyone else around me that needs help I will be there. I feel a good cry or time to actually be sad to show emotion is good. Sometimes it makes me feel a little better just to let it all out. I hate holding feelings in and procrastinating, but I have to keep moving forward. Fill the what if’s with let’s do this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your openness and the realness of your posts Katie. I think when you stop questioning if you’re doing something right in life, then you’ve just given up, and you have valid questions! Although at the same time, while you do have those questions, know that everyone else has them and you are actually doing a damn good job in this life with the choices you’ve made (for the better), in the crazy amount of love you give your kids, in the way you do your job with the best attitude, and in the way you present yourself to others (it’s hard not to love ya Katie because you are always cheerful) but you would still be loved as much even if you had a bad day, or week. Keep being you please! God bless you too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ghegheghe, that Adele pic, bwaaaaahahahaaaa! We were just speaking about it at work yesterday and finding that we all get bored with here misery. 🙂

    On the questions: when I can’t answer stuff like that I turn the question around. You might want to steel yourself a little before reading on because it might come as a shock what I write. Here it comes: I ask myself ‘what do I get out of feeling miserable all the time’. In Dutch we have this work ‘ziektewinst’, it means ‘disease profit’; what do I gain from being ill or showing destructive behaviour.

    And then there is an answer to that question. Mostly it is something like ‘so I don’t have to adult (right on topic! :-D), or ‘if I talk myself down I don’t have to stand up to face the (imagined) crowd who will undoubtedly grab their (imagined) guns and (like I imagine will) shoot me because I tell them that I prefer herb tea over green.’ No, they don’t….

    Also, I got some clear insight from how these things work when watching the movie ‘What the bleep do we know’. How our expectations shape the life that is happening in front of us. Not saying it is easy to life with that ‘knowledge’ – still trying here, but it did bring me some good, useful insights. 🙂 They have an animation on addictive thinking too; how the brain gets wired by repeating the same process or feeling over and over again and cells procude less docking places for happy hormones when we are constantly sad :-(.

    Your post coincides with a thinking process of mine about expectations. Tese questions you and I have, they all come from a frame / a set of expectations. Thought patterns can I say ‘worn’ into our mind / body. The expectation that things will be hard will almost automatically lead to harder experiences because it makes us focus on hard stuff and then we say ‘You see! There it is A-GAIN!! Sigh….’ Hard stuff to deal with.

    Or maybe not!? Gosh, that is as much of an expectation as anything else! 🙂 Let’s see!

    And ooh, being a sensitive sapling is a GOOD thing in my not so humble opinion: it means that you are still in contact with you and can learn from that. And yes, it might be handy to learn to protect yourself from the bad guys and girls but I think being sensitive beats being totally numb to anything. 🙂

    Hope my reply brings you something. 🙂
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, as they say, Katie – the good news about getting into sobriety is that we get our feelings back. The bad news about getting into sobriety is that we get our feelings back! The “good” ones come along with the “bad” ones – they are a package. And I think it is highly unrealistic to be happy, joyous and free all the time. I am often anchored by the bondage of self. And that brings all sorts of nasty to me. on the other hand, I have to give myself permission to feel those down moments, to process stuff, to be whatever it is I need to be. I think it’s better to be authentic than disingenuous. Trying to be the “strong” woman all the time doesn’t serve anyone, in my opinion.

    Expectations is a big thing too. I do that too. I have to “be” a certain way. I have to project a certain image, etc. That’s ego. We can be our authentic selves and not feel the need to censor, within reason. And I don’t feel recovery has to be hard. Sure there is some work involved, but for me I can’t look at it as work – just a lifestyle. Like working out or eating better. But in the end, you are a wonderful spirit and there are times when you are going to feel down. That’s fine – chill out, call a friend, or sit and write or watch TV or what not. I actually worry about folks who try to be “up” all the time.

    Be gentle to yourself…expectations, etc. you’re human 😉

    Paul

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Paul!! That darn ego!!! Sometimes mine needs its own seat at the table. It goes hand in hand with those darn expectations. I am my harshest critic, only I am putting these ‘demands’ on myself! Once again I take your comments to heart☺

      Like

  5. Hug.
    It is ok to be a bit sad, down. To take it as a sign you need rest.

    Gratitude is a iffy thing for me. I accept being grateful for things can be a positive thing, and remind us of our joys. Just try not to use it as a way to criticize yourself for not being grateful.

    Life has ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Allowing the lows is hard.but necessary.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Trying again.
    Ever seen a pure white beach ball? Boring. Our imperfections enhance us, like a great spice in the sauce. You do so much for so many..kids, family, friends, and your patients who love you. Quit listening to Adele. Try the Eagle’s. Get over it! I crank that when I start feeling inadequate. “I’d like to find your inner child and kick its little ass!” My granddaughters just loved that line when riding with crazy nana. You’ll get past this. count how many people love and need you! My last comment was better and funnier, but I did something wrong to post it. I am very, very old.

    Also stop making eye contact on public transportation, you never know who is packing these days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my gosh Peggy!, I love you!!! You make me smile and laugh out loud!!!!!! I am feeling better and had to get out of myself☺. I have changed my music selection as well😉
      Love ya!

      Like

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