Fear, a nasty, ugly word that can paralyze & reek havok on any one or anything at any given time. It knows no boundaries, it does not discriminate, it is not sympathetic or empathetic for that matter. At times, when fear takes hold it may seem like you have absolutely no control (at least it does for me). What am I so damn afraid of???? The unknown? The future? M&M’s well being? The well being of family & friends? Falling in love? Loneliness? Me?…
Honestly, all of the above & then some.
I have been thinking a lot about fear & what ‘it’ is exactly & why ‘it’ is so crippling at times, & how it has affected my life, thus far. A fellow blogger & recovery buddy Paul, recently discussed this on his podcast (please check out at BuzzKill Pod, the sound of change, on the SRN network, which can be found on sound cloud ).
He mentioned that as an active alcoholic, his drinking was driven by fear, fear of his true self mostly. I had never thought about it in that way….and he is absolutely right. I drank not because I enjoyed it, I drank because I was scared to face reality, my life, soberly. I was scared of what everyone thought or didn’t think of me. I ‘thought’ that by drinking no one would find out that I was actually a terrified, little girl, who felt like she never fit in nor was ever good enough for her family, friends, or significant other. My drinking covered all my fears… Until it didn’t anymore.
Fear is just an excuse. This is of course my own personal opinion. But after all the shit I have encountered the last few years, I am still here:). Fear didn’t keep me from getting(although it tried its darnedest), & staying sober. Fear did not stop me from fighting for what’s best for M&M. Fear does not make me feel lonely or lost. Fear does not stop me from trying new things, meeting new people, or standing up for what I believe in, even if others disagree with me.
It is very true that fear crippled me for years. Today I am not afraid of the future, (besides I have no control over it). I am not afraid to be alone, (there is a difference between alone & lonely. I am, most definitely not lonely). I am not afraid of me, in fact I really kinda like me these days. Yeah, I’m struggling to lose some weight, & I’m trying to get back into some sort of shape, & money is tight, & I worry that my 3.5 year old son will never be potty trained… And lets not forget the moments (sometimes long long moments) of self doubt & worry. The difference today is, I have faith (another F word).
Faith conquers fear, each & every time. I’m a testament to that. Had I cowered in all the fear & self hatred, I would most definitely not be here today. M&M would not have their mommy. My family would not have their daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, or friend. I would not have the choice to live a happy, fulfilling sober life. That is terrifying!
I chose to overcome fear and have a little (ok a lot of faith). I thank God for that each & every day.