This last week has been difficult. I’m experiencing sadness that has quite honestly, caught me off guard. A life cut way too short, by cancer. A family grieving for their mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend to many. (will refer to her as M)
As an oncology nurse, death unfortunately, can be a common occurrence. It is never easy to lose a patient, no matter how long they are under my care, but with M it has been extremely difficult. Why? She wasn’t a patient of mine, but had come to me with questions about all that was going on with her. We had known each other since childhood. Although not close presently, there was a mutual respect and admiration for each other.
When I received the news of her passing, I felt like I was punched in the gut. Honestly, I was in shock. I was overcome with grief. I was sad, crying, mad, asking why, and praying. What I was not doing, was reaching for a drink. I didn’t temporarily numb my feelings, thinking it would make them disappear. I didn’t crave or have any urge to go buy a couple bottles of wine, while trying to convince mysef that it would only be this one time.(yeah, right)
Instead I called my sponsor, I read the big book, I went to the wake and funeral and let myself FEEL my FEELINGS.
It isn’t easy to feel these overwhelming feelings, but it definitely beats the alternative…
Losing someone sucks, their is no other way to say it, it just plain sucks! How you cope and grieve is an individual ‘thing’. I am not here to judge. For me, as a grateful alcoholic, I know that not feeling my feelings will lead to fear and resentments which will lead to triggers, which eventually could lead to relapse. And that scares the shit out of me.
Once again my handy dandy recovery tool belt saves the day!
I also rely on hope and faith. The hope that my sadness will lessen over time, and that my faith in God and in myself will enable me to continue to do the next right thing. I also have tremendous hope and faith that M’s family will eventually find peace and that their grief turns to hope.
Rest in Peace M.