This last week has been difficult.  I’m experiencing sadness that has quite honestly, caught me off guard.  A life cut way too short, by cancer.  A family grieving for their mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend to many. (will refer to her as M)

As an oncology nurse, death unfortunately, can be a common occurrence.  It is never easy to lose a patient, no matter how long they are under my care, but with M it has been extremely difficult.  Why?  She wasn’t a patient of mine, but had come to me with questions about all that was going on with her.  We had known each other since childhood.  Although not close presently, there was a mutual respect and admiration for each other.

When I received the news of her passing, I felt like I was punched in the gut.  Honestly, I was in shock. I was overcome with grief.  I was sad, crying, mad, asking why, and praying. What I was not doing, was reaching for a drink. I didn’t temporarily numb my feelings, thinking it would make them disappear.  I didn’t crave or have any urge to go buy a couple bottles of wine, while trying to convince mysef that it would only be this one time.(yeah, right)


Instead I called my sponsor, I read the big book, I went to the wake and funeral and let myself FEEL my FEELINGS.

It isn’t easy to feel these overwhelming feelings, but it definitely beats the alternative…

Losing someone sucks, their is no other way to say it, it just plain sucks!  How you cope and grieve is an individual ‘thing’.  I am not here to judge.  For me, as a grateful alcoholic, I know that not feeling my feelings will lead to fear and resentments which will lead to triggers, which eventually could lead to relapse.  And that scares the shit out of me.

Once again my handy dandy recovery tool belt saves the day!

I also rely on hope and faith.  The hope that my sadness will lessen over time, and that my faith in God and in myself will enable me to continue to do the next right thing.  I also have tremendous hope and faith that M’s family will eventually find peace and that their grief turns to hope.

Rest in Peace M.


5 thoughts on “

  1. I fear losing people closest to me. I often wonder how people survive such losses. A loss of a parent or child seems unbearable to me. By the gifts given to me today I can work my best at cherishing the moments that I used to take for granted. Little things like kissing my mom and dad each time I see them is something I have learned to be comfortable with today. I thank god each day for another day. I thank him for his guidance even though I often don’t understand certain things that happen in life. It’s hard not to question God at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I completely agree T! Each day is a blessing and I too try to live in the moment BC tomorrow is not a guarantee. I’m blessed that I get to be a part of peoples’ Lives at often their darkest moments, its an honor to care for them.


  2. I am so sorry you are hurting. Time is the only healer for sorrow…most of the time. You have such a tough job, and then to have this happen quite unexpectedly….life is not fair. Rejoice in your children and family. See you soon. Stay the course!

    Sent from my iPad


    Liked by 1 person

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