A Crossroad to Grace

QUOTE+oct+1+grace

I feel like I am at a crossroad of sorts… unsure of what direction to choose.  I am approaching 18 months of sobriety, a big deal?… maybe a little, maybe not.  I am not expecting pats on the back or accolades of any sort.  Sobriety is my way of life now.  Recovery is my life, and a great life at that.  I have absolutely no desire, nor do I miss the misery and lifestyle I embraced when I was drinking.  I do ‘play the tape’ back of my last drink, as well as other painful experiences while intoxicated, and it gives me anxiety, a physiological response, almost like a fight or flight response.  I do not regret my past, I own it, and respect it, but I hope to never return to that dark, dismal, lonely place.  A place where I was completely broken and hopeless.

I am grateful that today I am comfortable and accepting of being alone.  This is different from being lonely, I am far from being lonely.  I am comfortable with myself, I am who I am, I can be alone and be ok with that.  There was a time not too long ago when I would not of been able to say that.  Huh, perhaps I’m experiencing some growth?.

So with this new found growth, I have been experiencing some unrest or uneasiness. ….Ok, I am just going to call myself out; I’m just not into my meetings these days…. there I said it!  Before the backlash starts and the well meaning slogans such as you know ‘meeting makers make it’, let me explain.  I love AA.  The program, the steps, the women I call sisters, have all impacted my life, and in many ways saved my life.  I have learned a whole new way to live.

I am not becoming anti- AA, nor am I suggesting that I am above meetings or the program.  I am also not suggesting that I am cocky or over confident with my sobriety & recovery.  I just feel restless, like I need to change the course up a bit.

New meetings, try to step out of my comfort zone? Volunteer, give back, lead, teach, write?  Try new activities?  I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas.  I do know that my meetings are not full-filling me right now and that something is missing.  Yes, I have been praying, and thinking about this a lot, hoping to find some answers.

I realize some may disagree with my ideas, and that’s ok,   I’m not look looking for approval, I’m looking for suggestions.  I’m looking for ways to enhance my recovery program.  I will always be a part of AA and I will always rely on meetings and the program as my core and foundation to my recovery.  I would like to expand my horizons.  I am very aware that my nasty addiction is always lingering, waiting to pounce ..  I am not naïve to this.  I have a kick ass recovery toolbox, I would like to add a few new tools.

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