I feel like I am at a crossroad of sorts… unsure of what direction to choose. I am approaching 18 months of sobriety, a big deal?… maybe a little, maybe not. I am not expecting pats on the back or accolades of any sort. Sobriety is my way of life now. Recovery is my life, and a great life at that. I have absolutely no desire, nor do I miss the misery and lifestyle I embraced when I was drinking. I do ‘play the tape’ back of my last drink, as well as other painful experiences while intoxicated, and it gives me anxiety, a physiological response, almost like a fight or flight response. I do not regret my past, I own it, and respect it, but I hope to never return to that dark, dismal, lonely place. A place where I was completely broken and hopeless.
I am grateful that today I am comfortable and accepting of being alone. This is different from being lonely, I am far from being lonely. I am comfortable with myself, I am who I am, I can be alone and be ok with that. There was a time not too long ago when I would not of been able to say that. Huh, perhaps I’m experiencing some growth?.
So with this new found growth, I have been experiencing some unrest or uneasiness. ….Ok, I am just going to call myself out; I’m just not into my meetings these days…. there I said it! Before the backlash starts and the well meaning slogans such as you know ‘meeting makers make it’, let me explain. I love AA. The program, the steps, the women I call sisters, have all impacted my life, and in many ways saved my life. I have learned a whole new way to live.
I am not becoming anti- AA, nor am I suggesting that I am above meetings or the program. I am also not suggesting that I am cocky or over confident with my sobriety & recovery. I just feel restless, like I need to change the course up a bit.
New meetings, try to step out of my comfort zone? Volunteer, give back, lead, teach, write? Try new activities? I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas. I do know that my meetings are not full-filling me right now and that something is missing. Yes, I have been praying, and thinking about this a lot, hoping to find some answers.
I realize some may disagree with my ideas, and that’s ok, I’m not look looking for approval, I’m looking for suggestions. I’m looking for ways to enhance my recovery program. I will always be a part of AA and I will always rely on meetings and the program as my core and foundation to my recovery. I would like to expand my horizons. I am very aware that my nasty addiction is always lingering, waiting to pounce .. I am not naïve to this. I have a kick ass recovery toolbox, I would like to add a few new tools.