Dream a little Dream

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It was only a dream… it was only a dream… Thank God it was only a dream…

The mantra I repeated this morning as I tried to slow down my breathing, as I was on a verge of a panic attack, and the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach vanished.  I told myself, I was ok, it was only a drinking dream….. an absolute nightmare, but a dream nonetheless.

In this dream I was drinking secretly, or so I thought.  There wasn’t any tragic event or celebration that spurred my drinking.  I just did it because I could, because I thought I could handle it.  In my dream I kept telling myself that no one had to know, that I could keep up the façade for a long as I wanted too, convinced that I could control my drinking at anytime.  In my dream I continued to live a sober lifestyle, as if I wasn’t the biggest liar and hypocrite around.  In my dream feelings of dread, despair, loneliness, and fear felt almost real, hence the physiological effects when I awoke.  In my dream I thought I was hiding my secret from my family and friends, but I thought wrong.  Even when confronted in my dream I continued to lie… and then I woke up…

So I asked myself, what the hell brought this on?   I haven’t changed anything in my recovery.  I know that I am not immune to the temptress that is my addiction.  Is it my subconscious?  Then it hit me, I have been doing lots of reflecting on my past, more specifically my journey in recovery.  The how’s and the whys.  I am preparing to give my first lead in a few days.  Sorting through what to say and what not to say stirs up a lot of stuff.  I am honored (& a tad nervous) to share my story with women who are where I was 15 months ago.  I hope that some small piece of what I have to say, sticks with or touches just one of these women.  I pray that I can share with them a sense of hope.

Drinking dreams are a nightmarish reality for me.  A  dream yes, but was once my reality.  I must  respect that, acknowledge it, and be ever grateful for another sober day😊

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4 thoughts on “Dream a little Dream

  1. Katie,

    Absolutely terrific blog. Very emotional, intelligent, impressive, and brave.

    I am so proud of you and happy you are my friend.

    Maybe see you on Monday.

    Love, Peggy

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautifully written,Katie. Wish I could hear/see your lead. I know they are very moving stories. Don’t be nervous .
    Thank you for taking care of you, your kids and my buddy Margaret.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. They happen. I don’t believe they are the harbinger of any doom. They happen to us all. I panicked the first time I got one. Called everyone in recovery I knew and they just laughed it off. Doesn’t mean you’re gonna drink. I dream of flying on blue elephants but doesn’t mean *that* is gonna happen either!
    My drinking dreams come and go. Sometimes I don’t get them for many months then I get maybe two in a row. I used to wake up in full anxiety, but now I realize that they aren’t real. Once in a while I still feel that way, but upon awakening realize that it was yet another reminder why I can’t go back.

    Liked by 1 person

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