I have been bouncing this question back and forth for the last few days and guess you could say I had an “a ha” moment this evening. For so long I have been asking myself why me???? Why am I an alcoholic? Why do I have to struggle to make ends meet? Why can’t I meet a guy who will sweep me off my feet? Why do I have to be a single parent? Why do I do the same thing (s) over and over and over again, expecting a different outcome, but always having the same result? Which usually involves beating myself up over something or asking myself the question again, WHY??
Ughhhh its insanity, its a vicious cycle. Alcoholic or not an alcoholic, I know many of you can relate! All this “stuff” lingers and can cloud my serenity big time! I become irritable, impatient, and I find myself comparing me to others, whom I have no right to do.
Even though I don’t crave a drink or have the obsession (Thank God), these behaviors cause havoc, which if I don’t reign in, could lead to temptation in a very brief period of time, and I don’t even want to go there…
So this brings me to my “a ha” moment. Tonight I was at one of my regular meetings, a woman’s discussion group. The topic presented as how we reel ourselves in and stay in conscious contact with our Higher Power, whom ever that is to be to each of us. As I was listening, it dawned on me that I am damn lucky to be sitting in this chair at this moment…Its a miracle actually. A miracle that I am sober. A miracle that I have 2 kids who were not taken from me because of my drinking, and who geniuninly love me for me. A miracle that I am present each and every day for my kids, my family, my friends, my coworkers, and my patients. It s a miracle that I had a spiritual awakening. A come to Jesus moment where I knew I could no longer live the life I was living and was willing to do ANYTHING to get sober and lead the life I was meant to lead.
Its a miracle that I survived divorce heartache, financial hardship, job strain, deaths, weddings, and holidays over the last year and stayed sober. I am blessed, I am lucky, so why the hell not me??? My story, my experiences, may help another drunk or any individual who is experiencing life’s hiccups. I didn’t wake up wanting to be an alcoholic, ( no body would choose to live in hell), but I am grateful to God for leading me to sobriety. Today I can say with confidence that I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.
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