The Hard Truth

I must preface this post by saying that I don’t mean to be a pessimist, or Scrooge, I just feel that being in the ‘throws’ of the holidays its important to remember (for myself, I can’t speak for all my sober friends;), that my addiction is ALWAYS lurking.  It is always waiting for a weak moment.  It is always ready to pounce if I become to complacent.

I came across the following ‘letter’, that was given to me during my outpatient therapy almost a year ago.  It is a difficult piece to read, and unfortunately I can relate to much of it.  Perhaps that is why an uneasiness settles in the pit of my stomach every time I read it.  I’ve been ‘there’ and not that long ago.

The author is unknown,  their words humble me with each reading…

Dear Friend, I’ve come to visit once again.  I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I want to make you restless, so you can never relax.  I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious.  I want to make you agitated and irritable, so everything and everyone makes you uncomfortable.  I want you confused and depressed so that you can’t think clearly and positively.  I want you to hate everything and everybody-especially yourself.  I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for all the things you have done in the past.  I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are.  I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but me for your present condition.  I want you to be deceitful, untrustworthy, and to manipulate as many people as possible.  I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all.  I want to be in your dreams.  I want you to wake up all hours thinking of me.  I want your home life to be miserable.  I want you to constantly be in financial difficulty.  I want to take away your ambition and desire to succeed.  Should you win, I want you to come back soon, thinking you will win more, so I can take your last dollar and start the downward spiral again.  I  want you to borrow and steal from family, friends, and financial institutions so I can destroy those relationships.  I want you to sell the things that are dearest to you, for me.  I want you to ignore your family for me.  I want you to commit or consider commiting illegal acts for me.  I deeply appreciate how much you have sacrificed  for me.  The countless jobs and fine friends you deeply cared for-you gave up for me.  And what’s more,  the ones you’ve turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I’m even more grateful.  And especially -your loved ones- your family, the most important people in the world to you -you even threw them away for ME.  I can not express in words the gratitude  I have for the loyalty you have for me.  You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me.  But do not despair, my friend, for on me you can always depend.  For after you lost all the things you once held dear, you can depend on me to take even more.  YOU can depend on me to keep your mind, body, and soul in a living hell- for I will not be satisfied until you are dead.

Forever yours, Your addiction

Powerful stuff… Thank you to whomever wrote this difficult, but brutally honest piece.  I am grateful to have read this, shared this, and yes, even lived this.  I do not want to ever forget where I came from, respect the past, but gratitude and humility fills my heart to know that I don’t have to go back.  I have the power to make that choice.

10 thoughts on “The Hard Truth

  1. Wow, that is an incredible letter of pure evil, which this disease is. I’m now even more grateful that my higher powers power is so much stronger. He shall overcome death💝💝💝

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Katie thanks for once again saying things so personal and yet so shadowing many. This time of year comes with blessings as well as fears and my prayer is that one of the blessings is the banishing of the fear Not the forgetting or ignoring the reason for the fear, but the ability to carry on in sobriety and accept the grace as it is received. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks Katie for keeping us grounded. This is a very well written letter and I have someone I need to share it with. I don’t think he is ready for the message yet, but I can remain hopeful.Please have a wonderful holidy and hug the kids for me.

    Linda

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m very impressed with how ‘present’ and reflective you are being, and it’s wonderful that you are acknowledging and accepting each emotion – good or bad – that you experience. It’s important for everyone to recognize their feelings and where those feelings come from. This time of year is the perfect opportunity for you to redefine what celebration means to you, both in the holiday sense and in your own personal journey. Know that we are all hear to support you and are excited to have you with us for Christmas Eve! Please let me know what I can do to help make Christmas Eve a fun and accommodating celebration for you! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m very impressed with how ‘present’ and reflective you are being, and it’s wonderful that you are acknowledging and accepting each emotion – good or bad – that you experience. It’s important for everyone to recognize their feelings and where those feelings come from. This time of year is the perfect opportunity for you to redefine what celebration means to you, both in the holiday sense and in your own personal journey. Know that we are all hear to support you and are excited to have you with us for Christmas Eve! Please let me know what I can do to help make Christmas Eve a fun and accommodating celebration for you! xoxo

    Like

  6. We have all been there of course. I know that even if I don’t drink, I can still have some of those things present. So emotional sobriety is the key. Abstaining – sure, but if I don’t address the things that want me to pick up, that list still applies (I am talking about myself here – just my own experience). When I am not centered and spiritually fit, I can still demonstrate some of those things – I can manipulate, be deceitful, etc.

    Great reminder of where we have been, and don’t have to be any more.

    Blessings
    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

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