“Bittersweet: arousing pleasure tinged with sadness or pain…”
Maybe it’s the holiday season, maybe it’s the lack of sunshine & daylight hours, maybe its the impending year anniversary of sobriety, or maybe its a bit of all of the above. Whatever the reason(s) bitter sweetness is what I am calling my feelings to certain situations and events as of late.
M&M (my kiddos), I hate being a part-time mom! I didn’t sign up for this, it’s the hand I was dealt. Having my kids 50% of the time just sucks, plain & simple. Planning for the holidays, and who is with who, & when stinks! Do I enjoy my quiet time when they are with their dad? Of course! I can be super productive, or super lazy. I can watch what I want on TV, sleep in, go to bed when I want, read all day, etc… But I always end up missing them terribly. I am very grateful to have an amicable relationship with their dad. Our marriage may have failed but our kids are the best part of the relationship, & are most definitely not failures! For that I am blessed.
Loneliness, yep been feeling this a lot! Its silly really. My life is filled with wonderfully loving family & friends. A core group of special women whom are on a similar journey as my self. A mom & sisters who go above & beyond for my kids & I , even after all the grief I have caused in the past. Dear friends’ who have supported me through thick and thin, always making me laugh & always having my back. An amazing, rewarding job, where I get the honor of taking care of patients during a very vulnerable time in their lives. So why do I feel like something is missing? Why do I lie awake at times wondering if I will ever fall in love again? I don’t want to be single the rest of my life, but if that is the “divine” plan, then I will accept it. Being a independent single gal has its perks too;)
Seeing this in print is changing my tune a bit….hmmmm….
The past year I have learned so much about myself & what I am capable of, often surprising myself. I love the life I am living now. It most definitely isn’t easy all the time, but so worth it. The serenity I feel is so hard to put into words… even as I write this, I know that these bittersweet feelings don’t define me. The fact that I am sharing them, is above & beyond what I was doing a year ago, even 6-7 months ago.
Just because I’m sober & use the 12 steps as my foundation for living doesn’t mean I’m void of unpleasant emotions. Its because of my program that am now able to feel and deal with these feelings and issues in a healthy way, and there is nothing bittersweet about that!