Pinky Swear

I am blessed with 2 awesome kids, a boy who is 2 and a girl who is 8.  I often refer to them as M&M (as I will when I write).  They truly are the loves of my life! They are hilarious, kind, loving, smart, inquisitive, and creative (of course I’m not biased;)).

Fortunately their dad and I want what is best for them and we both love them unconditionally, even if the two of us are not married anymore.  I am truly grateful and humbled that they call me mommy.

My drinking “took off” after M was born in 2006.  I recently came across journal entries where I wrote that I was concerned with my drinking and that I was going to change my ways for the sake of my family.  Wow!  Well, that never happened and the drinking escalated. Every family event, holiday, and impromptu gathering required alcohol, wine to be specific.  I recall several of my daughter’s birthday parties being wasted, and sadly and selfishly I don’t recall much else.  In the evenings, when I should have been playing with my daughter I was drinking.  When she asked me to read a story I told her to wait, because I was “busy”.  I missed many nights tucking her in….

When M was 6, her brother was born.  Her little brother idolizes his big sister, who acted as a little momma while their real mommy was drinking.  Late afternoon it was time to uncork the bottle, a few hours and a couple of bottles later, M was a better mommy.  In the spring of 2013 I entered rehab voluntarily.  I “left” my kids, the loves of my life for 18 days… they didn’t understand why their mommy left …. nor was it fair that they even had too.  It was the hardest 18 days, being away from them.  Upon my return, I was told that M compared me to Miss Hannigan, Carol Burnett’s character in Annie….. whoa !!

Here I thought M didn’t know about my drinking, I didn’t think it was affecting her…… seriously??!

When I relapsed in January, M&M witnessed my behavior.  I believe in my heart of hearts that God wanted me to witness what my actions had done to them, because I should of been in a blackout, but the sheer look of terror on M&M’s face is ingrained in my brain.

It took a few days for M to talk to and feel comfortable around me, and rightfully so.  When she was ready, we talked (at a 7 yr old level) and I apologized.  She had me pinky swear that I would never drink again.  That was 10 months ago…..I pray every day that I keep that promise and I am grateful each night that I kept the promise, to her and myself.

M didn’t deserve to be forced into adult situations, she doesn’t deserved to have a mom who is an alcoholic.  Neither does little M, but by the grace of God, he wont remember his mommy as a drunk, but his sister will.  Fortunately, I have been, and will continue to be open and honest with both kiddos.  I won’t keep this a hush-hush topic.  I welcome the honest conversations as they come, age appropriate of course.

Today, I live in the present and am present for M&M.  I think this is the best way to keep the pinky swear I made  over 10 months ago.  I continue to work on forgiving myself for being absent in M&M’s lives.  I know I must keep the past in the past, but those feelings of guilt and shame creep up time to time.  Fortunately I have the tools and support to process those feelings.  More importantly, I  have the unconditional love of  M&M. I am one lucky mommy!

15 thoughts on “Pinky Swear

  1. I haven’t started on my blog yet but like your daughter, I was the mother to my sister. I am 6 years older than her and my mother’s drinking as been going on since I was 2 and I am now 23. I have had many pinky swears with her and unfortunately I have had no luck throughout the years but I always have hope. Reading your blog gives me hope that one day my mother will find the strength to say no to the bottle and then I can have her back. ♡

    Like

    • Thank you for you kind words. I cannot imagine the heartache and grief you must feel (as well as your sister). Thank God your sister has you😊
      I wish I could tell you that your mom will keep her pinky swear….. I will pray that she does…. and soon! I can tell you that I have never felt better, but I had to do this for myself & no one else….. not even my kids… now I know that if I pick up that drink I will lose them……that is not an option!
      Writing this blog has opened a whole new world for me😊 I recommend it😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart is with you. I read this post yesterday and it has stayed with me. It could easily be my story. I am thankful for sobriety and I get a second chance with my children. I am so grateful to be able to be present with and for them. I agree with Paul. Let’s make Awesome memories to replace those not so great

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your thoughts of what they will think of you or remember need not be dwelled on – keep staying present with them as you are, creating healthy happy memories and those kinds of other memories will drift away. We can’t stay stuck in guilt 🙂

    Great post!

    love and light
    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kate,
    I’m so proud of you and your honesty and courage to put your story “out there”. The kids may love you unconditionally, but you love them the same too.
    Love to you,
    Mom

    Liked by 1 person

  5. i admire your strength and adore you! I wish I had the strength that you have! I am trying and will hopefully get there! I am here for you always! I know our friendship started out as a GNO, but ended up as soooo much more!! I love you and the kids forever!!!!!😘😘😘❌⭕️❌⭕️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. KJ,
    I admire your willingness to face your addiction with such honesty & determination. Your kids are lucky to have a mommy that wants to fight for them to have the amazing true woman you are, not the one controlled by alcohol. I am so proud of you and in awww of you sharing your journey & emotions along the way. I think God gave you your special M & M because you deserve unconditional love from 2 amazing kids. I hope to reconnect one day with you. You & your kids continue to be in my prayers. Love ya, Shan

    Liked by 2 people

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