Just a Glimmer

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Easier said than done, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s much easier to have that hope, even if it’s just a glimmer than to give up, be angry all the time, or let my expectations take over.  Because you know what?…. I have no control over the events that occur around me and to me.  I hate the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’.  In times of great grief and despair that isn’t what I want to hear.  Instead I prefer in God’s time, (higher power, goddess, whatever  you prefer), ‘he’ knows EXACTLY what he is doing and it will eventually all make sense.  It sure as hell doesn’t right now, but in time it will. That’s when faith and grace come into play.

As of late, I have had thoughts of wtf God, and wondered if my guardian angel has been on an extended vacation.  Feelings of loss, grief, anger, and sadness have incapacitated my family, a number of friends, and myself over the last few weeks. It hasn’t been easy to hold on to that  sliver of hope let alone faith.

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But you know what?..  It is possible.  I know I may sound like an annoying cheerleader, floating around on my pink cloud of cheeriness.  But my recovery has taught me that yes, indeed, there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope, my faith tells me that, and I am full of gratitude for what I have and where I came from.  Because it wasn’t all that long ago that I had given up all hope of ever being happy or healthy, or worthy of love. I lived in constant despair. Faith…. What the hell was that?  In my eyes, God had abandoned me, everyone had abandoned me, and no one could possibly understand where I was coming from or what I was feeling.  Talk about rock bottom.

But because of that rock bottom, I am full of gratitude today.  Life is definitely not full of sunshine and rainbows.  It can be a struggle.  It can be, and is full of love and loss.  It leave a lot of unanswered questions.  But no matter how difficult my life becomes, I know in my heart that God has my back, and I have faith that it will all be ok. It may not be easy, but it will be ok.  I will be ok. My loved ones will be ok. And for that I am entirely grateful.

☺❤✌🏿

 

Goodbye 40. Hello 41!


Somehow a year has passed. I’m now 41.  I don’t feel 41. I don’t think I look 41.(although what does 41 look like exactly??!). I am so very happy to be 41 and don’t desire to be any less or wish to go back to another decade.  My 40’s thus far have been good to me.  Last year I composed a bucket list for my birthday.  Many of the items were (are) far-fetched.  Not that they can’t happen, just not anytime soon…Bora Bora is not in the budget right now;)….That being said, some pretty amazing things have happened since that post a year ago, items on that list that I didn’t expect to happen….

1.  Fall in love (I believe in fate & soul mates & know mine is out there:)…..

well it happened, and as The Big guy upstairs would have it, I met this amazing guy shortly after my 40th birthday.  I can’t even put into words how much he means to me without turning into a complete mushy sap.  It’s true what ‘they’ say, you gotta love yourself before you can truly love someone else.

16. Complete another half marathon. Easily accomplished pre kids… Much harder now;)…

I just got this one in under the wire. I completed 13.1 miles on May 21st, running the Cleveland Marathon.  My sister and I crossed the finish line together, each running for our own reasons.  I celebrated recovery  and sobriety.  Lots of cheers and praise along the way.  It was a hard race, I wanted to quit, but knowing that I have overcome such bigger obstacles, kept my legs moving.  I’m planning on the Columbus Marathon in the fall…

17. Complete a random act of kindness everyday…doesn’t have to be over the top..just give back and expect nothing in return:)…

I think I have done a fairly good job at this.  I really make an effort to be grateful for something each and every day.   Some days are easier than others, and not too long ago I was extremely burned out, with just about every aspect of my life.  I was a major grumpy crab ass.  I could barely stand myself.  So what got me out of that funk?  Running (yes running), finishing that 1/2 marathon.   Because honestly, I didn’t think I would do it….finishing that race has changed my attitude and outlook. Being a positive person in the lives of family, friends, co-workers, and patients has given me a renewed sense of well-being.  I have so much to be grateful for, it’s almost incomprehensible.  Recovery and sobriety have taught me that.  Even on bad days there is something to be grateful for, always… If I can share a bit of happiness and love with someone else, then I did good:)

So with that I say goodbye 40, hello 41…I can’t wait to get to know you!

✌❤😊

Faith Hope & Love

It’s Easter. New Life. New Beginnings. Hope. Blogging about that would be easy.  I could go on & on about how life has been merrily rolling along… All sunshine, butterflies, & unicorns. But we all know that’s not true all the time.  Life is hard.  There are no ands, ifs, or buts about that, & my life ain’t no different.
Easter brings about reflecting on where I came from & how far I’ve come. Not just with regards to my sobriety & recovery; although that is my number one.  I like to think about relationships, my kiddos, my career, & personal goals. My recovery is stable.  I am in a very mindful & well balanced place in my recovery.  But secondary aspects of my life have me feeling worried, inadequate, unmatched, & frustrated.  How can this be when I feel so good recovery wise? Is this even possible? Does this even make sense?

When I was in my deepest despair, when I felt completely unloved or loveable, when I numbed every feeling with alcohol, so I couldn’t & refused to face the truth.  I was terrifed, my life as I knew it was spiraling out of control.  I tried to keep up with appearances but the only one I was fooling was myself.  I was so sick I didn’t give much thought to my kids, relationships, career, or my physical well being.   It was only by the grace of God I got sober.

Fast forward 3.5 years.  I am happy, I do like myself (most days), I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man, who is yin to my yang☺.  My kiddos are flourishing, & I have finally forgiven myself for being ‘absent’ for so many years due to my drinking.  I live in the moment & cherish them.

My career is flourishing.  As I write this I am being considered for a new position within my department.  This will give me much more responsibility & endless opportunites.  I was also nominated for the March of Dimes Ohio nurse of the year.  I have no idea by whom…..I am completely flattered & shocked.  I should mention that I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to appear & tell me I’ve been ‘Punked’😁.  Not too shabby for a gal who was on the verge of losing her job 4 years ago.

Finally I am training (struggling is more like it), for the Cleveland 1/2 marathon in May.  I’m getting back into the groove of long runs & how its mind over matter. Running means so much more than just putting in miles, it’s really a metaphor for life.

So many amazingly awesome things going on, yet I still am that scared little girl who doesnt feel like she belongs or fits in. I am incessantly comapring myself to others &  par take in self sabatoging (Please see above).  Why, why do I do this? I deserve all the good things coming my way.  So why do I doubt myself at times? I know that I am not alone with this…. Many dont have the balls (pardon my language),to talk about it…..

The more I think about it the more I realize that I’m keeping it real.  I’m not attempting  to hide the real me or be someone I’m not.  I have flaws, I have insecurites.  I’m sober not perfect;).  But if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be able to process all life throws at me.  I would be stuck full of resentments & playing the blame game….I was definitely good at that during my drinking days.  Most importantly, I wouldnt  have the gifts nor the promises (AA) that I humbly have received.  I do have feelings of fear & inadequacies, but I also have hope,  I have gratitude,  I have love, I have faith.

So this easter I’m gonna reflect on what God has given me.  Jesus died & rose again so that I could live.  So living is what I’m gonna do!

Happy Easter!🌸🌼🌷❤

The next 40 days

Who said it takes 21 days to break a habit?  I have heard this sooooo many times, with regards to sobriety, eating habits, exercise, & smoking.  But is this a scientific fact? I tried to find some facts but didn’t search too long or find anything concrete.   Personally, 21 days doesn’t do it for me.( if you can make or break a habit 21 days, congrats!) But it has always taken me a little longer to catch on, or stick with anything, in just about every aspect of my life…

That being said; the season of Lent is upon us (for those not familiar, & without getting too religious, it’s the 40 days before easter, a time of sacrifice & mindfulness reflection before the celebration of easter…thats a very edited version;).   

So I have decided to use Lent, which begins tomorrow,  as the time to stop drinking the DC…diet coke.  I am hoping that 40,days will be enough to totally kick the habit!  Or maybe the catholic guilt will kick in if I cheat;).

In all seriousness, I defintely traded addictions when I stopped drinking alcohol & started drinking way to much diet coke.   Now diet coke isn’t destroying my life or relationships, but it isn’t helping my health.  I have finally realized that it is stalling my fitness & health goals.  There is absolutely no benefits to drinking diet coke.  Truth is, I don’t even really enjoy it anymore.  I drink it just because.   

I have known that I need to stop this nasty habit for a long time…I crossed the addiction level a long time ago….I’m embarrassed to even mention how much I drink on average per day…its more than 3 less than8….ugh!!!!

So I’m jut gonna do it. I have already for warned my boyfriend, kids, & co workers that I may be not nice for a few days;). Its not gonna be easy, I know that, but I have overcome so much more.  I know I can do this! Heck I have many recovery tools in my ‘recovery tool belt’ that will be very helpful:)

So why the heck am I blogging about this? Trivial to some?  … one word comes to mind: ACCOUNTABILITY.

I have had my last diet coke for the next 40 days….hopefuly for ever….but let’s just start with one day at a time.

:)❤✌

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Blame the cold, dark, & dreary days of winter in Cleveland, (excluding this past weekend:). Blame burnout within multiple aspects of my life.  Blame the cycle of sickness among the kids & I.  Blame the lack of motivation to want to do much of anything some days(eek half marathon is 3 months away!!!!).  Blame worrying about everyone else, & not making myself a priority.  Blame the alignment of the sun & the moon.  Ok, maybe that one is a stretch, but man do I need a massive reset button.

Problem is; I’m scared.  There I said it.  In my mind I know exactly what I need to do to get out of this rut, but fear is holding me back….the fear of change.  Why???  Change does not typically freak me out.  I usually grab a hold of it & say hell ya, lets go for it!  But current circumstances are leaving me weary & scared.   My recovery tactics are kicking into overdrive right now.  All the AA-isms, I have read, heard, & spoken of over the last few years are constantly in the forefront of my mind.  I say the serenity prayer at least 20 times a day to clear my head & focus(it is my favorite prayer:).  I will say that being sober & in active recovery at this exact point in time is very helpful & therapeutic.  If I was still drinking the opportunities that are coming my way would not even exist.  If I was still drinking I would not be of sound mind to make any decisions.  If I was still drinking I would be using manipulative tactics to get the results “I thought” were best.  If I was still drinking, I most definitely would not be typing these words, on this blog…

So, needless to say, I am grateful beyond words.  I am sober today, & just for today.  Today, I make decisions just for today.  Today, I talk to those who care & support me, I value their opinions & advice.  Today, I make healthy decisions.  Today, I have decided I need to move forward in certain areas of my life.  ( I’m not joining the circus, or moving to the north pole:).

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With that I’m gonna try my hardest to embrace the changes & get out of this rut.  I pray everyday that God will lead me to the right decision.  Some days I do this better than others.  Sometimes I’m not willing to listen (old habits die hard).  I continue to be a work in progress:).   Most importantly, I need to remember that everything happens on God’s time frame, not mine, and change will happen when its supposed to, I just need to be open and ready to embrace it.

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Warning: Character Defects Ahead

“I’m not easy to love…I’m a chronic over-thinker, I overreact more than I should…& every once in a while, I might be a little insecure.”….

I found this yesterday, & immediately started to cry…..I could relate….this was & is me…

These are a few of my character defects.

I hadn’t really thought about them in awhile.  I’ve been going along with my day to day activities.  Life moving along just fine.  Then suddenly the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a funk with a capital F.  I can blame the lack of sun, the cold temps, the cycle of coughs, running noses, fevers, & vomiting that has taken over my home, or the constant insanity at work.  All of this is enough to make anyone wave a white flag, jump ship, or in all seriousness pick up a drink.  I seriously considered the first 2 options; with #2 a serious contender to  a tropical paradise solo!  I can say with confidence that picking up a drink was not an option, or in my mind.  I know the consequesnces of that.  I continue to be grateful and blessed in my recovery.

No, my character defects were raring their ugly head in every aspect of my life,  which in turn was contributing to the funk.  Finding the poem that I quoted above was a lightbulb moment….it was a god wink moment….an a-ha moment.  I had a good cry then talked to the bf about my insecurities.  It was an open and honest conversation, something that was lacking in my previous relationships, including my marriage.  I always “danced” around the “tough topics of conversations”.  I never wanted to cause conflict or be disliked or judged.  The last couple of weeks I was slipping back into those old behaviors.  I could sense resentments starting to brew.  A constant feeling of “ick” was following me 24-7.

Steps 6 & 7 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Annoymous speak directly of character defects.

6.  ” Were entirely ready to have God removed all these defect of character”.

7.  “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”.

Today I did just that…..and I feel so much better.  I know that I will re-visit these steps again.  Its progress not perfection;).  But it still amazes me how good I feel when I am honest with myself.  When I am mindful of my feelings.  When I sit quietly and listen.  When I let go of nonesense.  When I have faith in God & in myself.  Life in sobriety and AA have given me these gifts.  I pray that I never take that for granted.

When its all said and done, I truly do like myself…I do love the person I have become and continue to grow to be.  I am grateful to have the life I have and special people in it.  They love me and my defects of character….even when I am struggling to do so myself… that is truly humbling & simply amazing.  Without the struggle, I wouldnt be the woman I am today, defects and all:)

 

Today is the Best Day

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Today is THE best day of the year!!!  I have been sober for 3 years, or 1,095 days to be exact.  January 2, 2013 I woke up in the detox unit of Lutheran Hospital in Cleveland .  Gleaming white walls, plastic covered mattress with sheets that felt like cardboard, a pounding headache, a snow storm brewing outside, all alone, and yet I distinctly remember feeling complete relief.  My game was up, everyone knew the truth, I didn’t have to lie to cover the lie that I lied about to my loved ones.  I had arrived, I had accepted that I was an alcoholic.  I surrendered my whole self to God and was ready to accept the help I so desperately needed and desired.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I don’t want to dwell on the past too much, for it just that, the past.  But it is important to me to reflect on where I came from.  It keeps me humble.  It also stirs something up inside of me that makes me feel uncomfortable and almost ill.  I think that something is the realization that I was horribly sick, a raging alcoholic, a sad, desperate, lonely, miserable woman, whom was dying inside.  Even as I type this, I pause, that feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.  I guess it’s a good feeling in that I know that I NEVER want to go back to that nightmare….like I said, it keeps me humble.

So fast forward to today….WOW!  I am in a place that I never imagined I would be 3 years ago.  I honestly LOVE my life, so much so I’m gonna say it again….I LOVE MY LIFE!  I have an intimate circle of family and friends.  I have the most rewarding career. My kids are THE best (I am biased), and I get along with their dad (my ex husband) better now than I have in years.  I am reaching fitness goals slowly but surely.  I embarked on a journey, a lifestyle change of clean eating.  I am in a healthy loving relationship with an amazing man, who is in recovery as well.  Getting sober and staying sober have made all this possible.  Without AA, without my sponsor Melanie, who has stood by my side since day 1….and then day 1 again… without God and the 12 steps, there is absolutely no way I would be here today…Day 1095….and God willing day 1096.

So what do I hope for in 2017?   To live in the moment and enjoy the little things each and everyday as they come.  I decided a while back that I was constantly waiting  for the next “big thing” or “waiting for other shoe to drop” or  speeding through stuff to get to the end result or the next item on my list.  Well guess what?  Life is too short…..its getting shorter…I realized that I was missing a lot….all kinds of special moments, a smile, a tender touch, a conversation….and so much more.  And for what?? Think about it for a minute….what is so darn important that you can’t pause for a moment and take in the silence? Hug your kid or loved one?  Listen to a friend for a few extra moments, let go of the petty stuff and live in the now!

How grateful am I that I can sit and type this as a sober woman?  I know too many who are still sick and ravaged by this horrible disease.  I thank God each and everyday for another day sober and for those who have stuck by me on the journey….My momma who is the heart and soul of our family, and who has been to hell and back with me.  I love you.  My 2 sisters, whom haven’t always understood “it” (and that’s ok),  but have always listened, empathized, and have forgiven their big sis for her selfishness.  M&M, the loves of my life, whom love their mommy unconditionally, whom have endured more than any young children should have too. I love you to the moon and back.  My bestie Kerry; through it all we have stuck by each other…in good times and in bad, sickness and in health:).  My partner in crime, Reggie….who knew those puzzles would play a role in our friendship and recovery.  My work family…..you never threw me to the curb, you don’t judge me and you are the most hilarious and ‘sick’ group of individuals that I am priveledged to work with on a daily basis.  My fellow blogging friends; especially Paul, you inspire me and keep me motivated on the writing and running track!  Last but definitely not least, Todd….I cant find the words…(shocking I know!) you came into my life when I least expected it.  You have my heart.

2017 is going to be the year of new adventures.  It goes along with my theme of living in the moment.  I have decided to run the Cleveland half marathon in may (already registered), a come back of sorts.  I am going to do more writing and lots of it.  Finally, I want to do more advocacy work in addiction.  Much of society still considers addiction a lifestyle choice, a bad habit of sorts.  Education is desperately needed.  This is a disease and I am the face of this disease.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to help even one individual.

Well that about wraps up my anniversary post.  My heart overflows with gratitude.  I am excited to see what awaits in 2017….but will take each moment as they come and enjoy it!!

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Thanksgiving and the holidays are quickly approaching and its at this point in time that I start thinking about my sobriety anniversary as well.  I like to reflect on my journey….keeps me humble.

I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I was meant to experience all that I have over the last few years.  The heartache, the jealousy, the shame (lots of it), the loss, the anger (lots of that), and the fear….all of it….and I wouldn’t change a damn thing…not one single thing…

Its hard to put into words why and how I exactly feel this way…I just do…. My recovery has been life changing, life altering really.  I didn’t just stop drinking,  I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I stopped the self loathing, I stopped being afraid of what everyone else thought, I stopped disrespecting myself and everyone who cared about me when I didn’t.  If I’m being honest,  the not drinking was the easy part.  All the other stuff, not so much. It requires attention and work each and every day.  Everyday I make a conscious decision to be grateful, to be kind, to be present, to be mindful.  I don’t always succeed at everything everyday,  I’m not perfect;), but I try.

When I first got sober, not drinking was the most important and biggest challenge.  Today, I am grateful I don’t have the urges or cravings to pick up a drink, but I am aware that those feeling could creep back at any moment.  Today my biggest challenge is being the best I can be.  That means, being grateful for something even if its the crappiest day ever.  It means being kind to those who don’t exhibit kindness back, or whom I may not agree with….for I do not know what battles they are up against.  It means being a positive, loving example to my kids, my friends, my family, and my co workers; at a time when society is not so positive and loving.  It means being honest with myself, and those I care about.  

And if I’m being honest, its not always easy living life this way.   

Some days are just plain shitty.  Some days I want to throw the covers over my head and not speak to anyone.  Sometimes I just want to throw a temper tantrum like my son…..I don’t….but I want too…. On days like these, I step back and think how far I have come….it wasn’t that long ago I was drinking every day to numb everything…  That my daughter was going to bed by herself because her mom was passed out… That I was unloveable and alone because I couldn’t love myself…and my kids would be better off if I was dead…. Lowest of the low….despair….

Fast forward to today…..

My kids are my world….and they teach me about true unconditional love everyday.  I have a new renewed passion for eating well and exercising.  My job is taking me to new heights and I am so grateful to be in a career that I truly love. I’m in a healthy relationship that is loving and honest.   Fear doesn’t control me, its just a feeling that I acknowledge & move past.   I live in the present. I love me.

So yes, I am grateful for going through hell.  And yes I was born for this wild wacky journey….I wouldnt want it any other way.

:)✌❤ 

Thank you bunches

I feel the need to write a gratitude list for a few reasons. 1. I haven’t done it in a long while & it’s an important part of my recovery program.  2. With all the hate, lack of compassion, arrogance, & nonsense in our world today,  it is, at times, difficult to be mindful let alone grateful.  3. I have ALOT to be grateful for.  So, without further ado, my gratitude list.

1. My sobriety & continued growth in my recovery…. Enough said:)

2. M&M… These 2 continue to keep me on my toes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

3. My family: My momma & sisters.  I can’t tell them how grateful I am that they didn’t give up on me when I was in the throes of my alcoholism.  These days I  honored to be a big sister, daughter, and aunt.

4.  My bestie Kerry.  There really are no words, you know me, & get me.  Through thick & thin you have stuck by my side, especially when I ‘thought’ I was all alone.

5.  A few of my friends in recovery including my sponsor,  who, have been by my side since the beginning….& who I can count on always. (I’m talking about you Melanie & Reggie:).

6.  My BB family, especially Leah, Lauren, Kim, & Whitney.   I know I have said it before, but I’m gonna say it again; there is a reason you all came into my life when you did.  My new venture is only just beginning.

7.  My new found passion for  healthy eating & fitness.  If you told me 3 years ago I would be eating zoodles instead of noodles, kale, & working out 4-5 times a week, I wouldn’t of believed it.  But truth be told,  I love my new healthy lifestyle. Its not always easy, but its so worth it.

8.  Fall:  My FAVORITE season:).

9. Manicures: got one today, haven’t had one in a long time….its nice to get pampered:).

10.  My boyfriend.  Its still pretty new, but its so refreshing to be with someone whom I can be my complete self & feel completely content.  Thank you for being you:)

11.  Books.  I’m in the middle of reading 2. My favorite pasttime for sure:).

12. Snickers ice cream…its delicious, its my new favorite..seriously  the best!!!…you know who you, who introduced me to it & has created a monster;).

13. My work family(last but not least).  You gals are the absolute best!! I love coming to work, not just because what we do is so rewarding, but because I look forward to the daily shenanigans:)

☺❤✌

A Fresh Start & Still Learning

Wow!  A lot of what is stated in this quote has happened, is happening!   This year I’ve embarked on new adventures.  Fitness & health being the biggest & quite honestly the scariest.  I don’t know why either.  I have no problem being honest about my sobriety & recovery, but when it comes to weight loss & exercise I clam up?!  I’m still working on the why’s of that one!??  I started the year off with my heart broken (or so I thought).  In retrospect, it was my expectations that caused the heartache.  I have learned to go with flow & let affairs of the heart happen naturally, & guess what?! I am capable of doing that & I am quite content☺.  M&M & I moved recently.  It wasn’t a big move in terms of distance, but one that mentally & emotionally means a lot.  We moved away & said goodbye to a place where a lot of shit went down.  Fortunately little M is to young to recall, but his sister certainly does.  It was definitely time to close the door on that chapter (not forget), of our lives.  To be honest, a huge sigh of relief.  The three of us are in a brand new place where we can make our own memories. That makes me happy☺.

Then I think about me.   I like to say I’ve come a long way since starting this blog nearly 2 years ago!! WOW!!. I’ve been re-reading my first posts.  It was  definitely progress, not perfection☺.  I was so freshly sober, so happy riding the infamous pink cloud, so spouting off anything and everything AA.  And you know what?,  that was OK.  I was  at a point where I was still struggling with the day to day recovery stuff.  I wasn’t yet completely comfortable with my new normal.  I still didn’t know what this ‘new’ Katie was all about.  I still had a lot of resentments to let go off.
All that being said, I’m still not where I  want to be today. I am striving each and everyday to be better. Not perfect, not searching for more of anything,  just better than I was the day before. Just plain grateful, its that simple.  

I think the biggest thing I have learned since starting this blog, is how important it is to be mindful.  Everyday, & yes everyday I take 5 minutes to just be…. I clear my head, I pray, I say thank you, I think, I reflect, I journal, I breathe…anything where I focus on the inner me.  Without these 5 minutes, the negative, nasty, scared Katie may rear her ugly head…& nobody, especially me wants that!

So I decided to attach my very 1st blog post. Once again its a great reminder of how far I have come, and how there is absolutely nothing I want more in this world than continue on this road of life; sober, healthy, happy road, & whatever surprises that are in store for me.

☺❤✌

October 2014  

Letting Go

No this isn’t about the now infamous Disney song, I promise not to break out the lyrics.  How often do we say to family, friends, or significant others “Just let it go”.  How many times is it spoken to us or more importantly do we say it to ourselves?  The words just roll off the tongue like they are no big deal, a shrug of the shoulders, say it, do it, wipe the slate clean, and move on.  If it was only that simple.  If it was, broken hearts, broken relationships, missed opportunities, feelings of hurt, guilt, and shame, and the should of’s, could of’s, would of, would not monopolize so much of our time, our minds, and our hearts.

Speaking from personal experience, letting go has been both a positive and negative experience.  Over the last 10 months I have learned to let go of a lot of garbage, toxic stuff I was carrying around.  That’s the thing about getting sober, it forces you to examine just about every aspect of one’s life.  The good the bad the ugly.  I spent so many years feeling inadequate, unhappy, and generally sad.  I carried so many feelings of shame over my behavior, especially when I would drink.  Learning why I felt this way, why I drank, and letting it go has been freeing, life changing.  That’s not to say that I don’t struggle with feelings of inadequacy or sadness, the difference is that I know how to deal with those feelings, and I do it without picking up a drink or other unhealthy behaviors.

But not all situations and circumstances are easy to let go of, broken relationships, wondering what if I had only done this, or what if I try this, creep into my head.  My mind is taken over by self-righteous thoughts of, well why the hell not me!  I pray and try bargaining with my higher power (I call God), please give me another chance.

The funny thing is, that I know that God has a plan in place, he has since day one, I need to let go of control.  10 months ago I started this journey, it most definitely has not been easy, everyday I must make a conscious effort to let it go, the past that is, life is so much simpler and I am so much better off living in the now.  Does that mean I completely forget the past?  No, of course not, I have respect for it, but I need to move forward and not dwell on the should of, could of, would of.  Everyday I need to remind myself to let it go, whatever it may be.  I know I will be ok:)

Sparkle on

Happiness, contentment, being comfortable in my own skin. 3 attributes that I can confidently say I now hold close to my heart and strive to exhibit each and everyday.  Why? Because I have come so far from the scared, lonely, unlovable (in my mind), desperate girl I once was.  I now know that fear is just a feeling, it can’t control me.  I love the woman I have become and know that I don’t need to or want to compromise my beliefs, integrity, or values for any one or anything.  I feel so much hope and am excited for what my future holds.

Does this sound like a whole lot of rainbows and unicorns and pink fluffy cloud crap?   Perhaps, but gosh darn it,  I feel so damn good:)

Life is just plain fabulous right now, and for once in my life I am not constantly waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’ so to speak, or waiting for the bad stuff to occur,  because I can’t possibly be on the happy train for too long.  I finally figured out that I cannot control a darn thing.  I am merely along for the ride.  That being said, I can choose how I feel and how I want things to affect me. Today, I choose to just be.

A large part of my contentment can be attributed to my renewed interest in fitness. Over the last several months I have embarked on a journey that has led me to a healthier way of eating and enjoying exercise like I used to.  I now have a fabulous group of women in my life who push me, support me, and hold me accountable for my actions with regards to health and fitness.  I have come to believe that it’s not a coincidence that they entered my life when they did….my 2 year sobriety mark.  I am slowly but steadily getting back into the shape I was years ago.  It’s so much more than shedding the pounds. Mentally and emotionally I am stronger. 

I think the biggest change that I have noticed most recently,  is the sparkle in my eye, which to be honest, I never noticed before.  I wonder if it actually ever existed?  I was so miserable for so many years, I do not think sparkle was even an option.  How sad is that?? What makes me proud is that others are noticing it too.  Some want to know my ‘secret’.  No secret….I had to endure a lot of shit(wouldn’t change it), and worked my butt off to change my behavior, in fact I’m still a work in progress and always will be.  But thats OK, I’m happy with that.
So the sparkle it’s legit.  My ‘new way’ of living has a whole lot to do with that….more importantly my sobriety and recovery has everything to do with that!

Grateful for my sparkle.☺❤✌