Easier said than done, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s much easier to have that hope, even if it’s just a glimmer than to give up, be angry all the time, or let my expectations take over. Because you know what?…. I have no control over the events that occur around me and to me. I hate the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’. In times of great grief and despair that isn’t what I want to hear. Instead I prefer in God’s time, (higher power, goddess, whatever you prefer), ‘he’ knows EXACTLY what he is doing and it will eventually all make sense. It sure as hell doesn’t right now, but in time it will. That’s when faith and grace come into play.
As of late, I have had thoughts of wtf God, and wondered if my guardian angel has been on an extended vacation. Feelings of loss, grief, anger, and sadness have incapacitated my family, a number of friends, and myself over the last few weeks. It hasn’t been easy to hold on to that sliver of hope let alone faith.
But you know what?.. It is possible. I know I may sound like an annoying cheerleader, floating around on my pink cloud of cheeriness. But my recovery has taught me that yes, indeed, there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope, my faith tells me that, and I am full of gratitude for what I have and where I came from. Because it wasn’t all that long ago that I had given up all hope of ever being happy or healthy, or worthy of love. I lived in constant despair. Faith…. What the hell was that? In my eyes, God had abandoned me, everyone had abandoned me, and no one could possibly understand where I was coming from or what I was feeling. Talk about rock bottom.
But because of that rock bottom, I am full of gratitude today. Life is definitely not full of sunshine and rainbows. It can be a struggle. It can be, and is full of love and loss. It leave a lot of unanswered questions. But no matter how difficult my life becomes, I know in my heart that God has my back, and I have faith that it will all be ok. It may not be easy, but it will be ok. I will be ok. My loved ones will be ok. And for that I am entirely grateful.