Just a Glimmer

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Easier said than done, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s much easier to have that hope, even if it’s just a glimmer than to give up, be angry all the time, or let my expectations take over.  Because you know what?…. I have no control over the events that occur around me and to me.  I hate the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’.  In times of great grief and despair that isn’t what I want to hear.  Instead I prefer in God’s time, (higher power, goddess, whatever  you prefer), ‘he’ knows EXACTLY what he is doing and it will eventually all make sense.  It sure as hell doesn’t right now, but in time it will. That’s when faith and grace come into play.

As of late, I have had thoughts of wtf God, and wondered if my guardian angel has been on an extended vacation.  Feelings of loss, grief, anger, and sadness have incapacitated my family, a number of friends, and myself over the last few weeks. It hasn’t been easy to hold on to that  sliver of hope let alone faith.

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But you know what?..  It is possible.  I know I may sound like an annoying cheerleader, floating around on my pink cloud of cheeriness.  But my recovery has taught me that yes, indeed, there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope, my faith tells me that, and I am full of gratitude for what I have and where I came from.  Because it wasn’t all that long ago that I had given up all hope of ever being happy or healthy, or worthy of love. I lived in constant despair. Faith…. What the hell was that?  In my eyes, God had abandoned me, everyone had abandoned me, and no one could possibly understand where I was coming from or what I was feeling.  Talk about rock bottom.

But because of that rock bottom, I am full of gratitude today.  Life is definitely not full of sunshine and rainbows.  It can be a struggle.  It can be, and is full of love and loss.  It leave a lot of unanswered questions.  But no matter how difficult my life becomes, I know in my heart that God has my back, and I have faith that it will all be ok. It may not be easy, but it will be ok.  I will be ok. My loved ones will be ok. And for that I am entirely grateful.

☺❤✌🏿

 

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Pinky Swear Redux

I got sober when Meghan was 7 years old. During my drinking ‘career’ I selfishly believed that it didn’t effect her. I humbly and remorsefully learned otherwise. Since then, I have kept an open and honest dialogue with Meghan regarding my alcoholism and with alcohol in general. That being said, I was completely taken aback after a recent trip to Costco dredged up horrible memories for Meghan.

Now 11 years old, I will occasionally leave Meghan home alone during the day, while I run an errand close by. This particular day it was Costco. She was busy with homework, and didn’t want to go. So I packed up her brother, said I would be home in an hour, and locked the door behind me. Shopping got done quickly (for Costco), texted Megs to let her know I would be home shortly, and she responded with the thumbs up emoji (typical). While unloading our groceries, I noticed Megs acting uneasy. She wouldn’t talk ( giant red flag), and wouldn’t make eye contact. I persisted and she broke down crying. Through the crocodile tears she told me that when I asked her to go shopping, and responded no, the memory of my last drunk came rushing back to her. That day 4 years ago, I had asked her to goto the store with me, she replied no, and an hour or so later I came home wasted..

I was completely taken aback. I was speechless. All I could do was wrap my arms around my little girl and hold her tight, with tears rolling down my cheek. I’m still a bit emotional about it a few days later……

I looked Meghan in the eyes, and told her point blank I wasn’t drinking, and had no plan or intention to pick up a drink. She was able to tell me that she wasn’t worried about me drinking, but for whatever reason, the shopping trip brought up the horrible memory….. Dagger to my heart…

Truth is; my drinking, my alcoholism my past will never go away. Those I love the most will always carry a memory somewhere within their pysche….and no one knows what or who or when a trigger will drudge this crap up.

I know I can’t change the past, nor do I want too. The best thing I can do is to continue to be open and honest about my sobriety and recovery. I must keep talking to Meghan (and eventually her brother), about alcohol, addiction, peer pressure, and how my drinking has affected them. Knowledge is power.

I know this is what I should do, and I will, but as a mom, my heart aches knowing that I caused my child’s anxiety. No child should have to witness the self destructive behavior of a parent. I have worked to forgive myself, but it only took this seemlessley innocent encounter to rekindle so many miserable feelings of guilt and shame….Fortunately, I know in my heart of hearts that picking up will not make a damn thing better.

4 years ago Meghan and I made a pact, I promised that I wouldn’t pick up a drink, we pinky swore on it. A few days ago we did it again… It’s meaning not lost to either of us.

😊❤✌

4

A new year and more importantly a sober year. I’ve been struggling with what to blog about, putting too much pressure on myself, (no surprise there), attempting to write something profound and deep. I keep expecting a light bulb moment, and for the words to magically transform into a post….if only;) …. So I decided to let my thoughts take over, and speak from the heart, and reflect on the past year.

Like most, I started last year with hopes and several goals: lose weight, eat clean, work out more, be a better mom, daughter, sister, girlfriend etc…write a book, complete a half marathon, make a difference in the world….I’m not knocking resolutions completely, it’s important to have goals, but why do we goto bed new years eve and expect to wake up new years day with a completely new mindset? It’s just another day, a new day on the calendar, but not much else has changed. Am I being too cynical? Perhaps…

The more I think about it, I feel like this mode of thinking just sets me up for disappointment and failure. It’s those damn expecations that cause so much grief. Not too mention, I focus on the negative (not good enough, not fit enough, not engaged enough and on and on), while missing the little moments, the good snipits in life.

One of the biggest and most important aspects of my recovery has been to be mindful, to live in the moment, to be present. Honestly, it has been one of the HARDEST attributes to learn and live in, but is definitely the most rewarding. As a people pleasing introvert who thrives on organization and constantly worries about everything; taking a deep breathe and taking things as they come while not ‘sweating the small stuff’ hasn’t been easy. Quite honestly, it’s a down right struggle. I have had to rely on faith and on God’s time not mine, over and over again this year. My struggles are mine, in some regards I am still “cleaning up the wreckage of my past”, as is stated in the Big Book of AA. But I work my ass off to take it one day at a time, some days I do this better than others:).

I remind myself to cherish each day, the little moments, the mundane moments, they are all important. I find this especially rewarding when it comes to M&M and my relationships with loved ones. I have learned to be more patient, less rushed, and just ‘unplug’ sometimes. It is truly amazing and hard to put into words how being present in the moment and in the lives and relationships of loved ones really feels…

I can only say that it is a miracle and a precious gift of sobriety that I know what and how to be mindful. I am so very grateful to have been bestowed this gift.

So as I embark on year number 4, I hope and pray for continued mindfulness, this is my resolution. Just as I pray and remain entirely grateful for another year of sobriety. For with out sobriety I have nothing.

Joy, peace, and love to you all in 2018.

Dear Dad

How is it possible that 10 years have gone by? It quite honestly feels like yesterday. That’s the funny or not so funny thing about grief….just when I think the date will come and go like any other day, I am hit with an overwhelming sadness that you are not around. It’s hard to breathe sometimes because you are missed so much…

I know you are looking down on us; but it’s not the same as being here, being present. Your grandchildren are amazing and they would delight you to no end. There are now 4 boys, pretty close in age, non stop activity ALL DAY LONG! It’s never a dull moment and it’s awesome to see mom interact with these little guys. It would make you chuckle, it would also exhaust you;). M&M continue to amaze me with their huge hearts, big sense of humor, and their zest for life. I never imagined I would be a single parent, solely responsible for raising these 2 kiddos in many aspects of their lives; but I’m doing it, one day at a time, many days one hour at a time. I’m fortunate that I have an amazing career and job that enables me to provide for them, and have the flexibility to be present for day to day mommy stuff. I have pretty great guy in my life, and at times I feel like you are interjecting a snipit of your character in him, just to keep me on my toes:)❤.

Mom never ceases to amaze me, or any of us. Her strength, dignity, and compassion is unwavering. You would be proud. She misses you deeply, you were her soulmate, the love of her life, but she keeps her self busy! Her social calender is like one I have never seen;). My sisters have overcome their own obstacles, and tragedies to build beautiful families, and admirable careers, that I sometimes envy, but mostly admire. You would most definitely be proud of them too.

I often wonder what you would say to me today… for it was in your last days that you confronted me about my drinking. I definitely didn’t want to hear it at that time… But I think deep down in my subconscious, I knew it to be true, I knew you were right, but wasn’t anywhere ready to face that truth and stop drinking. It had to be on my terms. I was no where near my rockbottom at that point. That defiance or stubbornness, was how our relationship worked. Push and pull. Pushing each others’ buttons. Me feeling like I was never living up to your expectations, feeling like I never was ‘as good as’ my sisters. Feeling like a disappointment in your eyes. You battling me with hurtful words… and vice versa…

Recovery has opened my mind, and my heart to the real me. My true self… the good the bad and the ugly…. My perception of you; of our relationship was not always the reality. I think you knew I wasn’t meeting my fullest potential, that you knew I was destined for great things, if I only believed in myself. To make that happenen I had to get my act together. I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, and ask for help. Getting sober did just that, and I am grateful each and everyday that I made the choice to get sober and I thank God for being sober another day, everyday. You are a part of my recovery, Dad. My heart is full knowing you helped save me yet my heart breaks a little knowing that you are not physically here to see it. I think that’s what hurts the most; you not getting to witness the happy ending… And it’s true, I am genuinely happy, even in times of grief. Does that make sense? I think it does, and I bet you do too.

Thanks Dad. I love you.

Love, your eldest munchkin.

Now What?

Hello my friends, it’s been a long time… and since I’m all about honesty these days, I just haven’t had anything to blog about or really felt the urge too. Whether that is good or bad, who knows, does it really matter that much??

When I started this blog in 2014 I was in the infancy of sobriety and filled with overwhelming feelings and lots of self doubt. I was terrified of my own feelings, and of relapsing. I often felt like a ball in a pinball machine bouncing off in every direction, sometimes with no direction. The blog gave me an outlet to express such feelings and insecurities, especially since it was and still is easier to express myself on paper.

I was completely amazed and humbled at the response the blog received; the comments, the friendships made via the blogging world. Many who like me, used the blog to tell their story of sobriety and recovery….the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Fast forward 3.5 years, and I am firmly planted in my sobriety. It is my number one priority(as it always will be), but my focus has shifted to the daily sometimes mundane things in life. I’m not complaining by any means. I am truly grateful that my life is not a shit show like it was for years. I am also not constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the bad stuff to happen…. if and when it does, I have the tools to get through it, in a healthy way.

These days m&m, work, relationships, making ends meet, deciding what to cook for dinner, whether to sign up for another half marathon, what to watch on Netflix, and deciding how long I can keep clean laundry in the basket before re-drying it fills my day.

Is this worthy of a blog? Did I really even want to write about this? I didn’t think so. I took time to pause, reflect, and discuss it with fellow bloggers and friends. Was it time to retire the blog or go in another direction? If so what direction would that be?

After much thought I have to decided to keep on blogging, but the primary focus is not going to be recovery and sobriety. It’s going to focus on my every day life journey and the struggles that occur on this journey. My recovery will obviously play a key role, but my posts may be about what’s for dinner, or the ups and downs being a mom, a single parent, a girlfriend, a nurse, a runner, a 41 year old woman, a sister, a daughter, a people pleaser, a neat freak who hates to do laundry and grocery shop….and I could go on and on…:) .

I realized that I blog for me. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks about me or what I write. In all honesty, it is none of my business. I do it for me, and if something I write touches someone reading my words then that’s awesome. If i can laugh at myself and see that there is gratitude in EVERY situation even better! I know that I am not the only one struggling out there with the day to day ideocintries of life. 😊

My new mantra…

Goodbye 40. Hello 41!


Somehow a year has passed. I’m now 41.  I don’t feel 41. I don’t think I look 41.(although what does 41 look like exactly??!). I am so very happy to be 41 and don’t desire to be any less or wish to go back to another decade.  My 40’s thus far have been good to me.  Last year I composed a bucket list for my birthday.  Many of the items were (are) far-fetched.  Not that they can’t happen, just not anytime soon…Bora Bora is not in the budget right now;)….That being said, some pretty amazing things have happened since that post a year ago, items on that list that I didn’t expect to happen….

1.  Fall in love (I believe in fate & soul mates & know mine is out there:)…..

well it happened, and as The Big guy upstairs would have it, I met this amazing guy shortly after my 40th birthday.  I can’t even put into words how much he means to me without turning into a complete mushy sap.  It’s true what ‘they’ say, you gotta love yourself before you can truly love someone else.

16. Complete another half marathon. Easily accomplished pre kids… Much harder now;)…

I just got this one in under the wire. I completed 13.1 miles on May 21st, running the Cleveland Marathon.  My sister and I crossed the finish line together, each running for our own reasons.  I celebrated recovery  and sobriety.  Lots of cheers and praise along the way.  It was a hard race, I wanted to quit, but knowing that I have overcome such bigger obstacles, kept my legs moving.  I’m planning on the Columbus Marathon in the fall…

17. Complete a random act of kindness everyday…doesn’t have to be over the top..just give back and expect nothing in return:)…

I think I have done a fairly good job at this.  I really make an effort to be grateful for something each and every day.   Some days are easier than others, and not too long ago I was extremely burned out, with just about every aspect of my life.  I was a major grumpy crab ass.  I could barely stand myself.  So what got me out of that funk?  Running (yes running), finishing that 1/2 marathon.   Because honestly, I didn’t think I would do it….finishing that race has changed my attitude and outlook. Being a positive person in the lives of family, friends, co-workers, and patients has given me a renewed sense of well-being.  I have so much to be grateful for, it’s almost incomprehensible.  Recovery and sobriety have taught me that.  Even on bad days there is something to be grateful for, always… If I can share a bit of happiness and love with someone else, then I did good:)

So with that I say goodbye 40, hello 41…I can’t wait to get to know you!

✌❤😊

Faith Hope & Love

It’s Easter. New Life. New Beginnings. Hope. Blogging about that would be easy.  I could go on & on about how life has been merrily rolling along… All sunshine, butterflies, & unicorns. But we all know that’s not true all the time.  Life is hard.  There are no ands, ifs, or buts about that, & my life ain’t no different.
Easter brings about reflecting on where I came from & how far I’ve come. Not just with regards to my sobriety & recovery; although that is my number one.  I like to think about relationships, my kiddos, my career, & personal goals. My recovery is stable.  I am in a very mindful & well balanced place in my recovery.  But secondary aspects of my life have me feeling worried, inadequate, unmatched, & frustrated.  How can this be when I feel so good recovery wise? Is this even possible? Does this even make sense?

When I was in my deepest despair, when I felt completely unloved or loveable, when I numbed every feeling with alcohol, so I couldn’t & refused to face the truth.  I was terrifed, my life as I knew it was spiraling out of control.  I tried to keep up with appearances but the only one I was fooling was myself.  I was so sick I didn’t give much thought to my kids, relationships, career, or my physical well being.   It was only by the grace of God I got sober.

Fast forward 3.5 years.  I am happy, I do like myself (most days), I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man, who is yin to my yang☺.  My kiddos are flourishing, & I have finally forgiven myself for being ‘absent’ for so many years due to my drinking.  I live in the moment & cherish them.

My career is flourishing.  As I write this I am being considered for a new position within my department.  This will give me much more responsibility & endless opportunites.  I was also nominated for the March of Dimes Ohio nurse of the year.  I have no idea by whom…..I am completely flattered & shocked.  I should mention that I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to appear & tell me I’ve been ‘Punked’😁.  Not too shabby for a gal who was on the verge of losing her job 4 years ago.

Finally I am training (struggling is more like it), for the Cleveland 1/2 marathon in May.  I’m getting back into the groove of long runs & how its mind over matter. Running means so much more than just putting in miles, it’s really a metaphor for life.

So many amazingly awesome things going on, yet I still am that scared little girl who doesnt feel like she belongs or fits in. I am incessantly comapring myself to others &  par take in self sabatoging (Please see above).  Why, why do I do this? I deserve all the good things coming my way.  So why do I doubt myself at times? I know that I am not alone with this…. Many dont have the balls (pardon my language),to talk about it…..

The more I think about it the more I realize that I’m keeping it real.  I’m not attempting  to hide the real me or be someone I’m not.  I have flaws, I have insecurites.  I’m sober not perfect;).  But if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be able to process all life throws at me.  I would be stuck full of resentments & playing the blame game….I was definitely good at that during my drinking days.  Most importantly, I wouldnt  have the gifts nor the promises (AA) that I humbly have received.  I do have feelings of fear & inadequacies, but I also have hope,  I have gratitude,  I have love, I have faith.

So this easter I’m gonna reflect on what God has given me.  Jesus died & rose again so that I could live.  So living is what I’m gonna do!

Happy Easter!🌸🌼🌷❤

The next 40 days

Who said it takes 21 days to break a habit?  I have heard this sooooo many times, with regards to sobriety, eating habits, exercise, & smoking.  But is this a scientific fact? I tried to find some facts but didn’t search too long or find anything concrete.   Personally, 21 days doesn’t do it for me.( if you can make or break a habit 21 days, congrats!) But it has always taken me a little longer to catch on, or stick with anything, in just about every aspect of my life…

That being said; the season of Lent is upon us (for those not familiar, & without getting too religious, it’s the 40 days before easter, a time of sacrifice & mindfulness reflection before the celebration of easter…thats a very edited version;).   

So I have decided to use Lent, which begins tomorrow,  as the time to stop drinking the DC…diet coke.  I am hoping that 40,days will be enough to totally kick the habit!  Or maybe the catholic guilt will kick in if I cheat;).

In all seriousness, I defintely traded addictions when I stopped drinking alcohol & started drinking way to much diet coke.   Now diet coke isn’t destroying my life or relationships, but it isn’t helping my health.  I have finally realized that it is stalling my fitness & health goals.  There is absolutely no benefits to drinking diet coke.  Truth is, I don’t even really enjoy it anymore.  I drink it just because.   

I have known that I need to stop this nasty habit for a long time…I crossed the addiction level a long time ago….I’m embarrassed to even mention how much I drink on average per day…its more than 3 less than8….ugh!!!!

So I’m jut gonna do it. I have already for warned my boyfriend, kids, & co workers that I may be not nice for a few days;). Its not gonna be easy, I know that, but I have overcome so much more.  I know I can do this! Heck I have many recovery tools in my ‘recovery tool belt’ that will be very helpful:)

So why the heck am I blogging about this? Trivial to some?  … one word comes to mind: ACCOUNTABILITY.

I have had my last diet coke for the next 40 days….hopefuly for ever….but let’s just start with one day at a time.

:)❤✌

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Blame the cold, dark, & dreary days of winter in Cleveland, (excluding this past weekend:). Blame burnout within multiple aspects of my life.  Blame the cycle of sickness among the kids & I.  Blame the lack of motivation to want to do much of anything some days(eek half marathon is 3 months away!!!!).  Blame worrying about everyone else, & not making myself a priority.  Blame the alignment of the sun & the moon.  Ok, maybe that one is a stretch, but man do I need a massive reset button.

Problem is; I’m scared.  There I said it.  In my mind I know exactly what I need to do to get out of this rut, but fear is holding me back….the fear of change.  Why???  Change does not typically freak me out.  I usually grab a hold of it & say hell ya, lets go for it!  But current circumstances are leaving me weary & scared.   My recovery tactics are kicking into overdrive right now.  All the AA-isms, I have read, heard, & spoken of over the last few years are constantly in the forefront of my mind.  I say the serenity prayer at least 20 times a day to clear my head & focus(it is my favorite prayer:).  I will say that being sober & in active recovery at this exact point in time is very helpful & therapeutic.  If I was still drinking the opportunities that are coming my way would not even exist.  If I was still drinking I would not be of sound mind to make any decisions.  If I was still drinking I would be using manipulative tactics to get the results “I thought” were best.  If I was still drinking, I most definitely would not be typing these words, on this blog…

So, needless to say, I am grateful beyond words.  I am sober today, & just for today.  Today, I make decisions just for today.  Today, I talk to those who care & support me, I value their opinions & advice.  Today, I make healthy decisions.  Today, I have decided I need to move forward in certain areas of my life.  ( I’m not joining the circus, or moving to the north pole:).

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With that I’m gonna try my hardest to embrace the changes & get out of this rut.  I pray everyday that God will lead me to the right decision.  Some days I do this better than others.  Sometimes I’m not willing to listen (old habits die hard).  I continue to be a work in progress:).   Most importantly, I need to remember that everything happens on God’s time frame, not mine, and change will happen when its supposed to, I just need to be open and ready to embrace it.

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Warning: Character Defects Ahead

“I’m not easy to love…I’m a chronic over-thinker, I overreact more than I should…& every once in a while, I might be a little insecure.”….

I found this yesterday, & immediately started to cry…..I could relate….this was & is me…

These are a few of my character defects.

I hadn’t really thought about them in awhile.  I’ve been going along with my day to day activities.  Life moving along just fine.  Then suddenly the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a funk with a capital F.  I can blame the lack of sun, the cold temps, the cycle of coughs, running noses, fevers, & vomiting that has taken over my home, or the constant insanity at work.  All of this is enough to make anyone wave a white flag, jump ship, or in all seriousness pick up a drink.  I seriously considered the first 2 options; with #2 a serious contender to  a tropical paradise solo!  I can say with confidence that picking up a drink was not an option, or in my mind.  I know the consequesnces of that.  I continue to be grateful and blessed in my recovery.

No, my character defects were raring their ugly head in every aspect of my life,  which in turn was contributing to the funk.  Finding the poem that I quoted above was a lightbulb moment….it was a god wink moment….an a-ha moment.  I had a good cry then talked to the bf about my insecurities.  It was an open and honest conversation, something that was lacking in my previous relationships, including my marriage.  I always “danced” around the “tough topics of conversations”.  I never wanted to cause conflict or be disliked or judged.  The last couple of weeks I was slipping back into those old behaviors.  I could sense resentments starting to brew.  A constant feeling of “ick” was following me 24-7.

Steps 6 & 7 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Annoymous speak directly of character defects.

6.  ” Were entirely ready to have God removed all these defect of character”.

7.  “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”.

Today I did just that…..and I feel so much better.  I know that I will re-visit these steps again.  Its progress not perfection;).  But it still amazes me how good I feel when I am honest with myself.  When I am mindful of my feelings.  When I sit quietly and listen.  When I let go of nonesense.  When I have faith in God & in myself.  Life in sobriety and AA have given me these gifts.  I pray that I never take that for granted.

When its all said and done, I truly do like myself…I do love the person I have become and continue to grow to be.  I am grateful to have the life I have and special people in it.  They love me and my defects of character….even when I am struggling to do so myself… that is truly humbling & simply amazing.  Without the struggle, I wouldnt be the woman I am today, defects and all:)

 

Today is the Best Day

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Today is THE best day of the year!!!  I have been sober for 3 years, or 1,095 days to be exact.  January 2, 2013 I woke up in the detox unit of Lutheran Hospital in Cleveland .  Gleaming white walls, plastic covered mattress with sheets that felt like cardboard, a pounding headache, a snow storm brewing outside, all alone, and yet I distinctly remember feeling complete relief.  My game was up, everyone knew the truth, I didn’t have to lie to cover the lie that I lied about to my loved ones.  I had arrived, I had accepted that I was an alcoholic.  I surrendered my whole self to God and was ready to accept the help I so desperately needed and desired.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I don’t want to dwell on the past too much, for it just that, the past.  But it is important to me to reflect on where I came from.  It keeps me humble.  It also stirs something up inside of me that makes me feel uncomfortable and almost ill.  I think that something is the realization that I was horribly sick, a raging alcoholic, a sad, desperate, lonely, miserable woman, whom was dying inside.  Even as I type this, I pause, that feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.  I guess it’s a good feeling in that I know that I NEVER want to go back to that nightmare….like I said, it keeps me humble.

So fast forward to today….WOW!  I am in a place that I never imagined I would be 3 years ago.  I honestly LOVE my life, so much so I’m gonna say it again….I LOVE MY LIFE!  I have an intimate circle of family and friends.  I have the most rewarding career. My kids are THE best (I am biased), and I get along with their dad (my ex husband) better now than I have in years.  I am reaching fitness goals slowly but surely.  I embarked on a journey, a lifestyle change of clean eating.  I am in a healthy loving relationship with an amazing man, who is in recovery as well.  Getting sober and staying sober have made all this possible.  Without AA, without my sponsor Melanie, who has stood by my side since day 1….and then day 1 again… without God and the 12 steps, there is absolutely no way I would be here today…Day 1095….and God willing day 1096.

So what do I hope for in 2017?   To live in the moment and enjoy the little things each and everyday as they come.  I decided a while back that I was constantly waiting  for the next “big thing” or “waiting for other shoe to drop” or  speeding through stuff to get to the end result or the next item on my list.  Well guess what?  Life is too short…..its getting shorter…I realized that I was missing a lot….all kinds of special moments, a smile, a tender touch, a conversation….and so much more.  And for what?? Think about it for a minute….what is so darn important that you can’t pause for a moment and take in the silence? Hug your kid or loved one?  Listen to a friend for a few extra moments, let go of the petty stuff and live in the now!

How grateful am I that I can sit and type this as a sober woman?  I know too many who are still sick and ravaged by this horrible disease.  I thank God each and everyday for another day sober and for those who have stuck by me on the journey….My momma who is the heart and soul of our family, and who has been to hell and back with me.  I love you.  My 2 sisters, whom haven’t always understood “it” (and that’s ok),  but have always listened, empathized, and have forgiven their big sis for her selfishness.  M&M, the loves of my life, whom love their mommy unconditionally, whom have endured more than any young children should have too. I love you to the moon and back.  My bestie Kerry; through it all we have stuck by each other…in good times and in bad, sickness and in health:).  My partner in crime, Reggie….who knew those puzzles would play a role in our friendship and recovery.  My work family…..you never threw me to the curb, you don’t judge me and you are the most hilarious and ‘sick’ group of individuals that I am priveledged to work with on a daily basis.  My fellow blogging friends; especially Paul, you inspire me and keep me motivated on the writing and running track!  Last but definitely not least, Todd….I cant find the words…(shocking I know!) you came into my life when I least expected it.  You have my heart.

2017 is going to be the year of new adventures.  It goes along with my theme of living in the moment.  I have decided to run the Cleveland half marathon in may (already registered), a come back of sorts.  I am going to do more writing and lots of it.  Finally, I want to do more advocacy work in addiction.  Much of society still considers addiction a lifestyle choice, a bad habit of sorts.  Education is desperately needed.  This is a disease and I am the face of this disease.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to help even one individual.

Well that about wraps up my anniversary post.  My heart overflows with gratitude.  I am excited to see what awaits in 2017….but will take each moment as they come and enjoy it!!

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